The Inaugural No Thanks List

We absolutely could have done it without you.

These are people who got in the way of Nudge at some point before our first issue. Maybe it was an overt thing, maybe it was just general incompetence or a lack of basic human decency — or they just pissed me off. That’s definitely a strong possibility. It may not seem like it, but I’m a rigid man with a strict code. That code may not be traditional — but it’s important to me. You have to know that if you cross me that there are going to be consequences. It’s that simple.

So in that vein, here are some dumbasses who messed up big time. 

Christian from CVS

In another life, Christian, we’d be friends. Unfortunately for both of us, this is the life we have. The version of life where we’re absolute mortal fucking enemies.

The pros: You are extremely sassy and you can achieve a level of sarcasm that I frankly find impressive.

The Negatives: You’re also a giant piece of shit, and I’m pretty sure that you deleted my files on purpose. Those were important pictures from an especially decadent trip to Pinball Pete’s in Ann Arbor. That’s right. We can all blame you for being a total dick cheese and blocking an amazing picture of my girlfriend pointing at a light-up sign from coming into this world. That’s the kind of content you, as a frickin’ loser, ripped from our collective reality. Ass. 

When I said, “I’m not trying to be annoying” and you butt in to say, “You said it — not me.” I had to begrudgingly give it to you: king asshole. I always thought it’d be me, but turns out I have a long way to go.

We don’t need to get bogged down in the details, but Christian -- you know what you did. When I went in later, they said you quit that same day. Good move. Head out of town, change your name, start a new life. It’s over for you at the Berkley CVS -- and we’re all better off for it. NO THANKS. 

That annoying 57-year-old arcade guy at Pinball Pete’s in Ann Arbor

Grumpy, grumpy, grumpy!

Hey buddy, I was just trying to take a picture of a sign. I wasn’t some covert op from the CIA sent to take pictures of your ass hanging out your basketball shorts while you finish a very mediocre game of dig-dug. Yes, my flash went off. Yes, it was in your general direction. That said, there was absolutely NO REASON for you to stare me down, then say with absolute conviction, “You need to respect every game I play as if it’s the most important game of my life. Show some respect.”

I didn’t even have a good response. I just said, “you’re right” and went downstairs in a daze as you adjusted your shorts and turned blankly back to your game. Here’s the thing: fuck you. Arcade machines are for children and you seem like the kind of guy who gets in trouble for spraying neighborhood dogs with his hose. I’m going to enjoy going back there and taking all kinds of pictures with the flash on. It’s gonna be chaos, you fucking narc. NO THANKS. 

The staff of Free Play (but I feel bad about it)

A tradition unlike any other.

Look, I’ll be the first to say that I take discount programs way too seriously. That’s my bad. But I mean, you told me that your “system was down” for three weeks in a row after I qualified for a free game.

The “system was down”? Are you “rerouting the hackers” to the “mainframe” where they will “download a bug” that will “destroy the net”? Because I kinda actually just feel like you’re being lazy. I mean, that’s just me. That’s my opinion as an outside guy looking in. 

Now that said, I love you, staff of Free Play. Y’all are usually not too nosy about my overall high guy vibe and even let me finish my outside lemonade one time before making me throw it away. Kudos to you. I can already tell that you’ll never make the NO THANKS list ever again. I hate doing it now, and I feel like it might poison our relationship.

At the same time, I have to have journalistic integrity, and you pissed me off that day cuz you got mad at me. Those acts of aggression will not stand, man. Yes, you did comp me eventually, but I felt like there were a lot of emotional barriers that I had to break down to get us to that point. I’m not your therapist. That emotional labor isn’t free. For that, I say NO THANKS. Also, love you. 

Got someone you’d like to nominate for a NO THANKS? Drop us a line.