Don’t Biff it, Young Blood:Pinball Tourney Dos and Don’ts for Rooks
By Rick Brewster
You’re playing in a pinball tournament for the first time, but you don’t want to totally kook it in front of everyone. What do you do?
You’re thinking of entering your first local pinball tournament. Nice. Or maybe you’re going to a pinball fest like INDISC or Expo. Maybe you hate competitive play but are just a lost Nudge reader! That’s cool too. Sup? Stick around if you want. I’m sure Mr. Doc Monday will sprinkle in some cool pinball photos for ya until I get around to buying some film. (Editor’s note: someone get this guy some 35mm film stat, he’s killing me.)
Entering a tournament for the first time is overwhelming. From the start, it’s just sort of a clusterfuck. You know, approaching some sloppy, maybe-high guy sitting at the bar, with a sign (if you’re lucky), or a laptop (also lucky), or a fucking college-ruled notebook (Jesus, guys). They’ll take your money, enter your info, and give you a 15-second rule breakdown of the tournament format that you will immediately forget. Sick.
You’re turned loose and are mentally preparing to start playing with the heavy hitters, the bar regulars, the overly enthusiastic goofballs, the biiiiiig faded folks, the 20oz-pour-every-20-minutes crowd, and all the other doofuses, cranks, and the other weirdos who show up do this stuff with us. We love y’all.
So, in general, how do you not kook it?
It really isn’t that hard - like most things in life, be respectful and pay attention to what’s going on around you. You’ll be okay. Pinball players are sometimes cool and sometimes suck, but the vast majority will be more than willing to help you out and let you know what’s up. And if they’re not helpful, they’re probably a dick and won’t be around for many more tournaments.
Our hope, dear reader, is for you to feel just a little bit better next time you throw down a few bucks at your next local event, that this advice helps you or at the very least validates you’re not totally kooking it. And if you find yourself doing stuff in the don’ts columns… well, let’s just say you have homework, you goofball.
Something Important to keep in mind - I am writing this article from the perspective of a player. I do like to talk to my tournament directors frequently (TDs from here on out), discuss formats, rulings, etc., but most of what I’m writing is from the perspective of a player and from what I know from my TD friends. I don’t have firsthand experience as a TD, because I want to play pinball, not coddle adults throwing tantrums. (This, fortunately, doesn’t happen too often, but it absolutely happens. I’ve seen it. Woof.) TDs are severely underappreciated - they volunteer their time and energy so you and your friends can play pinball in a tournament. Make sure to thank them next time (and every time), and if you see them at the bar, throw them a drink or two on your tab. They deserve it. Plus it’s gonna make you look cool. Sick.
Do: Take it semi-seriously
You’re in a competition! If you are, you also probably like, if not love, pinball! That combo is enough of a reason to get excited, right? There’s absolutely no reason not to try your best. Don’t be too cool for school. Try out things! Maybe you just learned post transfers, and are ready to post pass on Addams from right to left to backhand scoops as many times as you need to. Or, you’re lucky enough to have a Theatre of Magic on location/in your tournament, and you’re ready to do nothing but shoot the left loop Cayle George-style for a whole game. It may look and feel weird, but you’re making your best effort to score as many points as possible while staying within the confines of the rules, so… do your thing!
Try different stuff. See what works, and just as importantly, see what’s working for your fellow flippers and adjust accordingly. Watch what they shoot for, and where their misses are. You’re player four and players one through three have missed the lock shot on Attack from Mars to the left? Hit it way earlier than you think - your fellow competitors did some work for you, so use that info to find your shots quicker and avoid drains. Pick up the little things to make yourself a better player and put up the best scores you possibly can. Look at you! Pretty, pretty, cool.
Don’t: Take it too seriously
It’s cool to geek out over strategy to try and win your matchup and put up however many points you need. It’s not cool to pretend you’re a professional athlete because you’re playing in your local monthly tournament. Swearing, screaming, rage-tilting… I can wholeheartedly assure you, not a single person wants to witness that. You don’t look like a cool Sean Penn guy, you look like a toddler.
And, never slap the glass. You know better. It’s idiotic. It needs to stop. Let out a fuck under your breath, do a lap around the bar, or step outside if you need a minute, but don’t make everyone within a 15-foot radius of you stop what they’re doing and have to think, “Is that guy about to hit someone”? No, he just bricked a shot and drained and he’s a literal child. Just keep it cool, baby. Keep it cool.
Do: Show up on time
I’m going to make a quick detour from the point I’m making to throw a phrase into your lexicon - pinball time. It’s a thing. I don’t think anyone is happy about it, but it’s definitely a thing. Your local watering hole tourney starts at 2PM? If I was a betting man - and indeed, I am a betting man - I would throw down a pretty large wager that those first rounds won’t be drawn until after 2:15. Andalso a slightly smaller wager that they won’t go up until 2:20. (Editor’s note: So Rick has a gambling problem. Good to know.) It’s kinda how these things go. Check-in lines are long, Matchplay gets weird and/or slow… it’s always something.
Don’t: Slow down the tournament
This is a thing, but you don’t have to make it worse. Show up before the start time, with a buffer! You should be showing up way earlier anyways to at least get a couple half-hearted flips in and some alcohol flowing through your bloodstream before you almost definitely draw stupid Stern Star Wars in the stupid first round. Get checked in before the “start” time, hang out, don’t perpetuate the problem. Your TD has plenty of other stuff to deal with.
A lotta lollygaggin’ going on in this pic. Maybe even some tom foolery.
Don’t show up after the start (you might get in, but don’t expect to, and definitely don’t argue if you don’t). Don’t disappear mid-round. The TD hates the former, your fellow tournament players hate the latter. There’s really not too much to say here, other than be respectful. If you join, play! If you’re over it, at least let the TD know you’re dipping so he can pull you from future matches. Have you ever sat around staring at a blinking DMD for ten minutes and thought “dang, I sure am glad I have no idea where my fellow player is?” No? Well, no one else has either.
And, if you’re asking if you have enough time to roast that bowl in your car between balls 2 and 3 – let us tell you this: you don’t. Save it for in-between rounds, you frickin’ stoner.
Do: Geek out over strategy
It’s cool to analyze how you and your partners are playing. Maybe you blew up the Twilight Zone warming up and are ready to execute your strategy of ripping through multiballs and cranking out jackpots - but some local legend ripping PBRs is also ripping through door panels and getting to Lost in the Zone wayyyyyy too quickly as player one/ball one.
Mentally, you’re analyzing how many shots it takes to light a subsequent multiball and average jackpots earned, versus the value of door panels and likelihood of a LITZ payoff. Go for multiball jackpots, or adjust to shooting for ramps and scoops for door panels to match Mr. Billion-points-while-you-were-at-the-bar-ordering-another-beer?
And this is where competitive play shines. Neither strategy is wrong! One carries more risk, and pays off correspondingly. The beauty is that you can adjust your strategy based on who you’re playing, where you’re at in the tournament, and how your individual balls have gone in the game. Figuring this stuff out is part of the fun of pinball!
And, most people you play with would love to discuss what they’re doing versus what you’re doing. The Venn diagram of people who play in tournaments and people who geek out over rules have a lot of overlap in that middle section. At least, after the matchup. Tread lightly during the actual game, as coaching is *technically* illegal under IFPA rules. (Editor’s note: Nerds. NERDS) Shout out to the TDs who explicitly throw this rule out the window and implement a local rule encouraging coaching. There aren’t enough of you, BBs.
Don’t: Keep everyone in the bar up to date on your tournament progress
My good friend Ben has a saying: “Everybody has a pinball story.” (Another good one: “Gravity always wins.”) As discussed above, it’s cool to nerd out over strategy and talk with fellow players. But, there’s a finer line than you might think between talking about your strategies, and bogging down your fellow players with every detail of your games. The woman you played with in round one doesn’t need to hear about your almost-great round five on Monster Bash, where you had just started both Bride and Creature, had Drac and Mummy lit at the scoop, were two shots away from Frankenstein, and if only that scoop hadn’t lipped out three times you might have started everything and might have gone from fourth to second,etc etc etc…
Your eyes probably glazed over around the Mummy, right? You’ll probably lose your fellow players even more quickly. If you’re picking up on similar levels of energy from your newly-formed pinball friends and having good back-and-forth conversations, that’s great! But do not feel like you have to keep anyone who talks about pinball with you updated with every single detail of your play.
It’s really not too complicated of a formula. Show up, be nice to the people around you, and have fun playing pinball. (When you phrase it like this, it’s kind of amazing how badly some people screw that up.) Now, the one thing I can’t advise you on is the optimal level of alcohol and/or THC in your bloodstream for competitive play - because it’s different for everyone, and because I haven’t figured it out myself yet. Seriously, if you have a winning formula, email me. Some controlled trials may or may not take place as a result. Cheers, and good luck.
