Pinball Music Reviews: Volume II
By Matt Keil
*Editor’s note: I asked Matt to write for us because he’s a great writer, he knows music, and he doesn’t give two shits about pinball. You don’t like that? Get bent. His opinions are his own, though I do happen to agree with every single rotten one of them (Except about Star Wars. I like that pin. So eat it, Matt)
Star Wars (1991)
This R2 unit has seen some shit. Literally.
Attempting to actually utilize nostalgia can be a sour and disappointing dead end. At least if you have a fully formed adult mind, I should say. Did you ever wish the Star Wars theme could be repeated back to you in poorly reimagined audio smudges, over and over? Or does the very thought make you want to drown Yoda in the toilet? This table’s soundtrack really only has one trick. It follows you around the house and says “REMEMBER STAR WARS? REMEMBER STAR WARS, HEY MAN…REMEMBER STAR WARS?” We know we’re playing Star Wars, we don’t need a Pavlovian hammer to the face. Why not work in some deeper cuts, like that sexy Cantina jam?
Better yet, how about some entirely new music? Imagine whatever stormtroopers listen to on the tape deck of their little scooters or whatever, and record that. Just spitballing. Anyways I don’t want to speak too harshly on a Star Wars product. That’s how you get weird man babies doing youtube rants where they threaten to blow up your house. It’s remarkable how pissed off those guys get whenever a new movie comes out. Like Disney is purposely trying to ruin their childhood, which by the way happened 40 years ago at this point. It’s funny to me how much people invest in the idea that their little worlds can’t, won’t, or shouldn’t change. In fact, it’s almost all they do.
Tron
It dawned on me the other day that on-demand unlimited streaming has been around long enough at this point that there are music fans who have never known life without it. They’ll never feel the pain of dragging your fat ass to the mall to spend $23 on a CD, only to find out it totally honks. Twenty years ago I’d be in my Dodge Caravan trying to rip yet another piece of shit Foo Fighters disc out of the aging stereo. Weaving in and out of traffic on my way home, my face contorted in disgust. Digust with both the music itself as well as my inability to sniff out the ruse. Never again! Now you can pick an album apart before you ever spend a dime. The same is true of pinball.
Just hit up Youtube, like your friendly NUDGE contributors have to. This soundtrack will have you stabbing your greasy digits at the “pause” button, but at least you aren’t pumping away your hard earned quarters. Let the plodding and overused main theme rack up plays, so what? You’ll never have to part with your own money. You can use it to buy drugs! The multiball track “Derailler” actually kind of rips, so credit where credit is due. But not too much credit.
Why does Scott Ian totally and completely suck?
Mea Culpa: It’s not Scott Ian’s fault. It’s God’s fault. It’s ALL God’s fault that Scott Ian turned out this way.
The editors have informed me that some of our readers have taken offense to my treatment of Scott Ian in a recent review. Full disclosure here: If you took the time to furrow your brow and write us about it, you’ve already spent more time thinking about him than I have. But I understand your hurt. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize. It is not Scott’s fault that history putting Anthrax in the Big Four is a joke. Or that we could swap Obituary or Exodus in there and nobody would flinch. It’s not Scott’s fault he can’t play guitar like Dave Mustaine. That he can’t write like James Hetfield. That he can’t belt out the hits like Tom Araya.
If anything, it’s God’s fault he looks like if the bass player from Queens of the Stone Age cleaned up his act and became a youth pastor instead of doing cool shit like having armed standoffs with police. Should we hold it against him that Anthrax absolutely tried to co-opt everything cool about New York punk and hardcore and repackage it for glue sniffers? I mean, can anyone PROVE that they tried to trademark the NYHC logo? Who knows. Let it go, guys! Let’s all agree that Scott rocks. Let’s go listen to that really cool remix of “Bring the Noise” that definitely doesn’t sound like a musical head injury. Or sit down and read those wonderful Stormtroopers of Death lyrics that would make even the most hardened online edgelord blush. Being corny is not a crime.
