HOME VS LOCATION: Which Pinballer is Sexier?

We settle the debate once and for all

From the hallowed halls of academia to the lowliest pinball hell, there’s one universal question continuously being asked by everyone, all the time: where the sexy people at?

In pinball, there are two camps, on-location players and at-home players. Sure, there’s always going to be crossover - if you own a pinball machine at home, you’re way more likely to go out and play too - but for this exercise let’s be lazy. It’s time for some sweet, sweet generalizations. That’s what you came here for, right? That’s what made you click — the possibility for gross generalizations and cheap, tawdry sex? Well get a grip, because here it comes. Straight down the frickin’ gullet.

Who has more money?

*Hey Mike, my home-pin guy. You got this one? I only brought quarters*

I mean, we can spend two words on this or two hundred, you already know. Them at-home pinballers are swimming in it. They have trucks, they have hydraulic equipment. Sure, most are in their fifties and spending their money in a misspent attempt to relive their youth, but damn -- they have the means! I mean what else are you going to do, give it to your kids? BARF. Pinball > kids any day of the week.

I’m not saying that on-location pinballers can’t have money, but let’s just say there are also a helluva lot of on-location pinballers who are 34-year-old bike messengers for the neighborhood dispensary/absolutely terrible local brewery. They smoke cigs and have a couple of dope tattoos and maybe one of the most grating personality types of all time. We get it, y’all. Your money is tied up in crypto. You’re making money moves. Dope dope dope. The DJ/photography website is bussin’ right now. Dope dope dope. Winner: At-Home

Who plays pinball better?

At-home pinballers are precision-based serial killers. They can not only give you a ruleset straight from memory, they’re creepily monotoned while reciting it to you. That said, the dedication to playing over and over again in your basement pays off. These emotionless robots are able to break a billion without breaking a sweat. Oh, you’re stuck on the Hoth missions? *condescending laugh* I remember those days. These guys mean business. You go down to their murder dungeon, you best know you’re not gonna come out a winner. That said, sometimes a closed ecosystem breeds weakness.

That’s where the chaotic energy of our on-location pinballers really shines. These boners are drunk and slapping the absolute shit out of these pinball machines. Hey man, they paid 2 for 3, they’re gonna get their money’s worth! There’s a subset of on-location players that are like, really, really good -- but most aren’t it. Most are like me, just running away from their problems, playing pinball, eatin’ some edibles. Fuckin’ A. Winner: At-Home

Who’s a better dancer?

At-home pinballers pay for salsa dance lessons to keep their marriage spicy, but at this point in the arthritis timeline, those locked hips barely sway. On-Location pinballers are drunk and horny and dance awkwardly -- but at least it’s authentic. Authentic is better, authentic is sexy -- even when it looks like that. Which, and let me be clear, is still really shameful. **Winner: On-Locationers, now stop dancing like that.**

Who’s better at doing it?

There’s a quiet desperation that comes with owning several pinball tables in a man cave, but it pales in comparison with the freaks out there on-location. I count myself in this group. I mean, for starters we’re alcoholics, derelicts, and - just - a lot dirtier. These people are out there, playing every night, giving each other skin rashes, STIs, and pink eye. Doesn’t sound so sexy, does it? Here’s the thing, desperate people are almost always better at doing it. It’s all they have, just their grasping hands and hungry open mouths. Woof. Hands down winner, On-Location.

Intangibles

What is sexy, really? It’s hard to say. It’s easier for me to tell you when something isn’t sexy. Being old. That’s a big one. Is stability sexy? Probably not. There’s something sexy about chaos. There’s nothing more chaotic than a bar or a bowling alley. I worked as a bouncer for two years, and in that time I saw some real numbing stuff. I met a coke dealer named A1. Yeah, like the steak sauce. A1 definitely had some chaotic energy. Was he sexy? Hard to say. Not my type, that’s for sure. That said, I think you’re just opening yourself up to a wider group of folks whenever you go out. That means an awful lot when it comes to being sexy. Sexy is unlimited possibilities. Sexy is being out there in the world. Sexy is connecting. On-Location wins.

Final verdict? On-Location is sexier.

Pinball deserves to be out there in the streets, played openly, in public, being sexy as hell. C’mon out at-homers, it’s time to use those salsa dances for real. We see you, we’re jealous, and we’ll definitely be in your basement playing dope pins when you invite us over because we have better weed hookups. In the end, we’re all on location. The location is earth. We are the pinball machines. God is a DJ. Etc.