Tryna get a cheap pinball buzz? Pound for pound, these beers punch above their weight class

Can you imagine how much you have to hate yourself to actually do something like this?

Pinball is about three things. Gettin’ buzzed, people watchin’, and hittin’ that flow. Ideally, you’re looking for all three, but some days are better than others. Some days you get nice and buzzed and watch the little weird barback with long thinning hair alternate shots of pickle juice and sugar-free red bull while air-guitaring an entire Dream Theater album, then laughing when he slips on a puddle and pratfalls behind the bar, severely spraining his ankle.

Then there are bad days.

Life is about waiting for those moments to spontaneously happen. So what are you gonna do you do while you’re waiting? Get lit and play pinball. C’mon bro — this isn’t rocket science, it’s just getting fucked up. The other side of the equation? We also love a deal — especially if you’re going out a couple of nights a week. On location pinball is supposed to be a cheap hobby — and I mean that in the full emotional, physical, and spiritual sense of the word cheap. Tawdry and thrill-seeking, We are a cheap people. Disposable pleasures. Also a lot of us have bad breath. Just an observation.

Unfortunately, these days the cards are stacked impossibly against getting a cheap buzz. The Barcade™ industry now trades on our nostalgia by offering utter bullshit: $20 dad cocktails “based on the safecracker pinball table”. Oh, really Damien the bartender with a rat tail, tell me again how this terrible combo of vermouth, homemade bitters, and what I can only describe as “bung juice” translates into the cocktail version of an overrated 90s pinball table?

These days it’s harder and harder to find normal crap on a menu. It’s all Multi-ball Margs, ball plunge pilsner, or whatever the fuck. And if you get past all that nonsense, you still have to deal with the complete and utter bullshit of craft beer culture. 40-year-old dudes in Mastadon hoodies, buying $12 stouts and bragging about its frothy head and shit. OH WHAT’S THE PERCENT ON THIS DUDE? OH HELL YES THANK YOU I LOVE ALE. Congrats y’all, you found a way to make getting fucked up boring. Now, how about you stroke that lord of the rings beard somewhere else? Take a long walk to the mead store, ya fucken yutz.

That’s not what we’re about at Nudge. What we need is utilitarianism. We need to get a buzz for 10 bucks. We need 2-5 beers to get hummin’ so we can put up some scores on Getaway. Know what I’m sayin’? Here are the best beers to get moderately blitzed for cheap.

Modelo

Pictured here is a Corona, alongside all the friends you’ll have lost if you actually drink that swill.

Of the three extremely popular Mexican beers offered at literally every bar in the US, this is far and away the good one. It’s easy to drink, has a cool label, and makes me feel just a little bit classy when I’m ordering it. As if the bartender is gonna look at me and be like hey this guy is outsourcing his buzz from abroad. What a worldly man. Let’s throw him some free nuts.

Nothing is perfect. Modelo is no different. I’m pretty gassy after two or three, but to be honest, I’m not going to drink more than that if I’m pinballing. If I’m trying to really feel terrible and deny my feelings then it’s house whiskey all the way. Just shellac my insides. Woof, right? Hey, I gotta live my truth. Maybe you’re a million beers person and God bless ya -- but I have a hard enough time keeping my GI intact with my high sodium and intensely fatty diet. I feel like adding a whole buncha yeast to that situation is essentially just mixing a pound of cement inside my large intestine.

Plus, No one wants to see me get sloppy, crying, slapping the shit out of Jurassic Park because it ricocheted down the god damn out lane for the thousandth time. Hey Jurassic Park, you know why we drink? It’s because of you. We drink because of you.

Pabst Blue Ribbon

Hey a-hole, It’s not ironic. It’s cheap.

We’re always somewhere in the PBR life-cycle of ironic coolness. Right now there’s definitely an ebb. It’s become the cliche hipster choice of 2009 -- way past its prime, which is right where we want it to be. That’s great. Now the rest of us can have it all day long. And you know what? PBR is kinda good. It’s sorta refreshing. It’s another adjective, but with a heavy qualifier attached. Does it have an iron aftertaste? Sure. At least it doesn’t weigh you down. 

Plus, it’s great in a can -- and the can looks great! PBR is reassuring. It’s a garage beer, an afterschool snack. If I’m going to play some pin, it typically means I already had a rough day, so I’m not looking to overthink my drink choice. ‘BR me.

I can’t wait to clock out, grab a PBR, hit the change machine, then get my dick kicked in by a Deadpool pro for an hour… then later have an existential crisis in the car for a couple sobering minutes. That’s how I spend my evenings. That’s how I get my jollies. PBR is great for that. 

Diet Coke + Edible

Self portrait of me when that 15 mg hits, bro.

I’m not going to front, this is my go-to when I’m just tryna zone and play some pin. Is it a beer? No. But I just want to advocate for the zone-in-edness of weed and how that’s important to a pinball flow state. The diet coke? That’s the reward. That’s the carrot. Finish a great ball? Take a sip, you magnificent bastard. You earned that. OOOOOOoooOOOOO. Now that’s nice!

The diet coke and 10-15 mg edible combo is a classic that should be a first-ballot entrant in the how to spend an afternoon hall of fame. The move is when to take it. I usually just pop ‘em in the parking lot, then kinda ride it out while playing. I think that’s the most socially responsible thing to do. Does it end with you feeling pretty tired and ready to go home? Hell yeah it does! It’s kinda nice to put a timer on an experience. There’s a law of diminishing returns for any great past-time — while some pinheads might argue this, I put it at around 3-4 hours for pinball. After that, these dogs be barking!

Plus, edibles are cheap. At least if you live in a place where they’re legal, which should be everywhere in the next ten years. And if it isn’t? Move from that state immediately. You can come stay at the Nudge world HQ for a minute then move to Michigan. It’s a lovely place. Seriously. Start walking now. Don’t look back. The motor city awaits.