Data East Star Wars Beats the Ass out of Stern Star Wars
Nothing clever. That’s just the way it is.
Everyone loves the new Stern Star Wars pinball machine. The flow is so great, the code is so innovative. They have movie clips! Blah, fucking blah. You want to know what beats the ass out of the new Stern Star Wars pin? The original Data East Star Wars from 1991. Why? Stop asking questions. Grab 30 mg worth of edibles, hop on your bike, and drive to your local movie theater. Walk up to that bad boy in the lobby. Go to town. Get insane with it. Hit the free refills on the diet coke and buckle up, friend. It’s about to be a wild and bumpy fucking pinball ride. Here’s why Data East absolutely and emphatically beats the shit out of Stern when it comes to Star Wars
Against all odds, the playfield art actually fucks
I don’t know much about Markus Rothkranz, the dude who did the art for Data East Star Wars , but what little I do know points to the fact that this dude must absolutely get it on— a lot. The art on this cabinet and playfield is definitely the product of cheap sex and late eighties Los Angeles uppers.
His Youtube channel gives us some clues. This video especially has a heavy “I loved coke as recently as a month ago, but now I’m WAY into holistic living -- like at least double how much I loved coke” vibes. Dope, good for that guy. I wish he wasn’t so bashful about his art these days. Like, weirdly the only part of the video where he seems proud is when he talks about sneaking his then-girlfriend into the art for the Baywatch machine. Which, by the way, has maybe the most heinous face art on a backglass this side of street fighter.
Here’s the thing: the art for Star Wars Data East fricking rules. It’s got this grungy 80s/early 90s basement, uber-nerd vibe that disappeared around the time the prequels started popping out. It’s funny, I mean look at the emperor — he’s got a fourth grade girl smile. Plus it has about eighteen billion lightsabers plastered all over it. That’s exactly what you want from star wars. Show me the X-wings, show me the sabers, show me the yodas. Gimme them yodas!
Millions when lit.
I hate to be the nostalgia for nostalgia-sake guy, like fuck that JJ Abrams trilogy — but most of my Star Wars memories have wood paneling and a rumbling dehumidifier scoring them. This was my third grade life.
Hanging in basements, borrowing EU novels from friends, and then feeling funny whenever you looked at Leia or Lando too long. The playfield art has that vibe — well not the last part. But it’s got that mythic basement quality. Luke and Vader crossing sabers, C3POs giant stupid face, a fucking totally ridiculous R2-D2 that’s bigger than the Death Star. It’s all dumb and kinda janky and it absolutely rules.
It’s more fun to play
Maybe it’s me, but the shots are fun. Like really fun. You can jam on that ramp for a million years while you reach this weird zen state of oneness with your environment. For me that mostly consisted of watching absolute bungholes fail to win off-brand cell phones for their girlfriends from a giant claw machine ten feet over, but hey man, everyone’s zen looks a little different.
Oh, and I like the video skill shot where you’re shooting at a tie fighter with the plunger button. My favorite part is when the tie fighter blows up. That’s pretty cool.
It’s kinda funny on purpose
The default popper animation is a bunch of poor bastards falling into the Sarlacc pit. I mean, come on. That’s amazing. There was a nerdy, self-referential side to Star Wars that didn’t feel as unflinchingly earnest until the prequels hit (and which was entirely blown out in the sequels). Data East Star Wars has that existentialist, I’m-too-cool-for-school, Han-Solo-pathos comedy down pat. This thing is so world weary it feels like it should have a lit cigarette in its fucking mouth.
The music is as close as Star Wars will ever get to being truly horny.
I’m giving this one to Matt to review, and I already know he’s gonna hate it. But whatever, man. I’d rather have this than 90% of the lame tracks we get on the Stern Star Wars machine. Plus there are some str8 bangers on here. That 80s Disco-coke version of Binary Sunset? I mean, get the fuck out of here. Get entirely the fuck out. This shit is corny and fun and exactly what a pinball table should be. Stern Star Wars is just, well, basically Star Wars music plus some terrible other stuff. I’m good on that.
Convinced? Sure, whatever. Who gives a shit?
Hey man, this game rules. Data East kinda gets a bad rap sometimes. Sure, most of their backglass looks like a child with a lazy eye drew them -- but honestly they have some p dope games. If I’m ever at a seedy bar and as I saunter to the back, the crowd parts, and the smoke blows away, and there’s a Data East Star Wars just beckoning under a red light? You bet your ass I’m going to pump some quarters in that thing. You’d be wise to do the same. Then I end the article with a star wars reference for all the fans out there!
