Bad themes, good games: 5 pins that absolutely rule even if their IP kinda sucks

By Rick Brewster

So, let’s get it out of the way: I’m not a movie guy. SUE ME. Yeah, I’m not into your sneaky lil’ spidermen or your big beefy Thors and what not. Yes, I’ve been forced to watch superhero movies like Guardians of the Galaxy, but only because I loved the machine so frickin’ much.

That’s usually how it goes. I’m seeing stuff in the wrong order. I’m playing the pin and THEN watching the movie, and let’s be frank: It’s messed with my expectations. Seeing Iron Man a couple of years ago and getting the Jericho right at the beginning was pretty disappointing, as I was anticipating whatever the movie equivalent of a 35 million hurry up is at the very end.

Full disclosure: The only game recently released in which I had actually seen the movie/show was Rick and Morty - and yeah, I get it. I really don’t feel good about that fact, or what it says about me on many different levels. You know when Stern did the whole “Frasier-themed pinball machine” on April Fools Day? I didn’t really bat an eye. For me, most themes are in that do-next-to-nothing-for-me-and-by-that-I-mean-actually-nothing camp. You know, like Frasier would be. Yes, I live under a rock. Yes, I love pinball. Here we are.

And I get it. I’m definitely in the minority. It’s wild to see folks freak out about new themes on Facebook and Pinside. So much raw and naked emotion! Could it be James Bond? JAWS?!? It seems like it’s literally the most important thing about pinball to a lot of these goofballs. And I get it; I’m not trying to say they’re wrong. I just don’t rank pinball machines on the theme. It’s like ranking cars by their paint color. If anything, that’s just the icing on the cake. Icing on the car? You get it.

Here’s the shitty part: I have to keep reminding myself of this - quite often, I’ll be talking with someone about much we do or don’t like a game, and that person will say something along the lines of “it plays well and shoots good, but the theme and art just don’t do it for me, so I’m out on it.” It plays well and it shoots real good! What more do you need? Give me an Ugly Betty themed machine with a lil’ Keith on the design, some fun code, and I guarantee it’d be a top 5 game. (Is that an unpopular enough TV show? I have no idea. I’m grasping here.) Did people like Ugly Betty?

Fortunately for me - there are a ton of great games with licenses that did not age well! Many of the most loved 90s games have some pretty weak franchises. With the benefit of hindsight, was paying for the Starship Troopers license worth it? (Editor’s note: YES. Come on you apes, you wanna live forever?)

What if the Sega folks had thrown money at a Fifth Element pin? The movie not the extremely popular acapella group. Maybe then Gary Stern wouldn’t have had to cash them out a couple of years later. Who can say? That’s water under the bridge, but the problem is that now I’m forced to take strikes on Starship Troopers in one of my favorite monthly tournaments. I’m not salty about it, that’s for sure. Look, let’s move on. It’s time to get that taste out of our collective mouths and dive into a top 5 list of pinball’s best games with iffy franchises. Criteria is simple - good game, not good theme/franchise.

And no, I’m not going to mention the Shadow. It’s a great candidate for this piece, but Mr. Doc Monday has me covered in literally every other Nudge article. (Editor’s note: Someone gIve us a Shadow and I’ll stop talking about it. For real. You can write it off on your taxes and everything.)

Johnny Mnemonic (1995) (52.4 million worldwide box office total)

OK, here’s my take on what’s happening with Johnny Mnemonic based only on playing the pinball game. The movie is heavily tech-themed, but there are also throwing stars? I’m assuming It’s Keanu with a giant magnetic glove (that usually doesn’t work) that he plays tic-tac-toe on. The callouts indicate a LARGE importance on placing long-distance phone calls. And collecting a whopping 320GB makes you the cyberpunk champion! I bet that felt like an unreasonably high amount of storage in the 90s. So… you’re a computer builder who has to fight off evil tech-lords exclusively via ancient Japanese weaponry? That has to be it, and I’m not going to read the Wikipedia summary to know if I’m right or not. NEXT.

Dialed In! (2017) (Didn’t make no money at the theaters, it’s pinball!)

*Look at this goofy ass game! You’d never be able to tell you’re in for the ride of your frickin’ life.*

I put two original themes in here, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. People love original themes if the game is good! The Attack From Mars/Medieval Madness/Monster Bash trio is god-tier, but throw out a questionable original theme and people have no patience. I appreciate the shit out of an original theme, even if it doesn’t work that well (especially after countless rock pins from bands who haven’t been relevant since the 80s). But try and find someone who likes the theme of Dialed In and send them to me. Godspeed on your search.

This theme won’t age well - evil phones aren’t exactly Spielberg material so I doubt it. I mean, isn’t it already starting to feel pretty antiquated? SIMless phones are already a thing. Using an app from a manufacturer to trigger a specific function in the game (Big Bang) wasn’t used by players when it came out. How long is JJP going to keep that app available and updated?

But throw all of what I just said out, because this game fucking rules. Collecting SIM cards by falling into that saucer a couple of times (because you don’t hit it on purpose - you just don’t), cranking up your mode multiplier and slamming the Big Bang target for a silly amount of points is one of the most satisfying feelings in all pinball. Like, accidentally elicit an out-of-character bro-ass fist pump and let an expletive or two slip out of your mouth type of reaction. Seriously, go seek out a Dialed In near you. It’s that good.

Congo (1995) (152 million worldwide box office total)

If I hadn’t seen this game and had to just take a guess about what extremely dated and potentially offensive stereotypes about the Congo might be present in a 90s pinball machine, I’d guess something along the lines of exactly what’s represented on the playfield. Jungle creatures, diamonds, and mine shafts. Sure enough, they’re all here! The snakes and monsters in the mine shaft video mode feel cringy but appropriate, diamonds are all over the playfield for the taking, and there’s a crude-looking gorilla under the playfield hitting a ball around.

Aside: I need to address this lower playfield. Generally, upper and lower playfields aren’t good. Some are better than others, but you usually just want to be done with it. My patience for this lower playfield lasted about three GRAY completions. It’s like most modern “skill” shots - there is no skill involved here. Get me out of here with my 50 million and let me get back to having fun. It’s a shame it’s so valuable you can’t really ignore it, but the rest of the game is a great time.

These shots are buttery. Scoring is balanced enough. Also there’s a giant friggin’ volcano you can shoot around. I don’t feel at all connected to Congo - the country, or the movie - playing this game, but thankfully it’s not necessary to enjoy it. NEXT

Kiss (Bally), 1979 (I bet these guys see a lot of movies)

I’m using this slot in the list to stand on a soapbox and make a point that needed to be made 40-something years ago. Making music games with no music from the artist is fucking stupid. Who said “hey, let’s make a game with a band all over it, but it’s just gonna beep and boop the whole time.” Playing Bally Kiss makes me feel even less connected to Kiss than I already am.

Even though it wasn’t possible to have actual music play over a game in this era, why pick a musician? Those fools at Bally had to anticipate at least some disappointment from some Kiss loving schmuck-dropping quarters and not hearing anything close to that artist’s work -- just some classic pinball sounds and nothing close to the noises Gene Simmons or his cronies produce (Editor’s note: Rick isn’t kidding. He REALLY doesn’t care about Kiss, because not only does he fail to name anyone else in the band here, he originally had his name spelled Gene SIMMON. LOL)

This game slaps though. Spinners are crazy tight but rewarding, and something about the feeds hits just right. But I’m still not over the beeping on a music-themed pinball machine. If you’re an operator and own a Bally Kiss, mute the machine sounds and put a boombox with a Kiss CD on repeat next to the game. It’s a pretty terrible idea (and really I don’t think I even want to hear Kiss ever again) but hey -- there’s a music theme that actually kinda works!

Red and Ted’s Road Show (1994) (So we just dropped the movie tie in stuff, I guess)

If Funhouse’s Rudy was actually trying to be creepy, then Red and Ted's heads are creepy without trying to be creepy. I’ve played a lot of Red and Ted, and I still don’t have a feel for who these characters are or why they are important enough to have a pinball machine featuring them.

They just talk about construction in Southern accents and you are just supposed to repeatedly hit them in the face (or the back of their throats) for jackpots. Is this a theme? You’re with Red and Ted traveling to cities from the East Coast to the West, watching skimpy spring breakers in Miami, torturing both of them with talk radio in Nashville, and visiting the entirety of Ohio and Minnesota (as the game devs couldn’t be bothered to pick a city in those states, I guess). Usually, you can kind of get behind an original theme, but there’s not much here to pick up on or relate to. Do you think Carlene Carter’s “Every Little Thing” plays on repeat in hell? If this game is any indication, then I’m going to give that an emphatic yes. That said, it’s fun as hell! Who doesn’t love jacking these weirdos in the face?

You get it. If you’re reading this article, you’re probably already a pinball degenerate and I don’t need to convince you to play a game with a shitty theme (your opinion or mine). This is your sign. Get out there. Go play something you normally wouldn’t! Ignore the theme! Hit some shots! Get loose! Have some drinks! Make stupid jokes with your friends. The worse the theme the better. It’s pinball: you’re going to have fun no matter what. (Unless it’s South Park.)