Stop Sucking: What to do when you can’t enter your initials, get a replay, or just play pinball right

By Rick Brewster

Pinball sucks sometimes. Like, even if you’re good, sometimes those free credits that came easy as shit yesterday are absolutely nowheresville today. Fortunately, it’s not all luck! There are some things you can do to flip the script and save your night. No more dark nights of the soul, storming out of the bar, lying in bed, watching Karl DeAngelo do extremely nasty things to a Godzilla while ripping a J and wondering where your pinball career went off the rails.

There is still hope, friend. But not like, 47 billion on Godzilla levels of hope. Let’s be clear on that. Sheesh, dude. You gotta crawl before you walk. Get it together.

Drink one and a half beers

Sometimes less is more. This applies to thinking too -- at least when playing pinball. Kill your thoughts the good old-fashioned way with some alcohol straight to your dome. (Editor’s note: this entire section comes with the HEAVY caveat that alcoholics should not follow this advice. Or, I mean, do what you have to, but like, be well plz.)

Why one and a half beers, you might ask? I drink stronger beers, (editor’s note: well la dee frickin’ dah.) so that zone between one and two gets me to a place where I’m nice and loose and my face feels a little fuzzed out, but I’m not gonna forget which mode I’m playing. Remember, you can always order another round, but you can’t undrink a drink. Or, you can, but you’re not gonna like what that feels like. (Or, tastes like.)

Stop trying so hard

It sounds like a cop-out - because it kind of is, but not trying does have its benefits. You ever been messing around, trying to finish a solo game before your next league match and your half-assed flipping somehow results in an eyebrow-raising game? Harness **that** energy! Look around the building between shots. Play one-handed. Fuck it. Shoot for stupid stuff. Shake that I-need-a-high-score-for-my-self-worth mentality and have some fun. And hey, if you still get a shitty score, at least you’ll have an out. Who caaaaares?

Do breathing exercises

This sounds dumb, but it works. Figure out what shot you need. When you trap up, take a deep breath and release it slow. During your exhale, shoot your shot. This works especially well with backhands. I don’t know why, but I get a little jumpy sometimes when I’m backhanding off a trap, and those ricochets can be deadly. This helps me hit it more often than not (or at least makes me think I am, which honestly is just as good).

Go all in: order another beer and a shot

Are things starting to look like this?

**Good, that means that the plan is working.**

If the one-and-a-half beer thing didn’t work, then fuck it. I guess you just keep trying. You know, for science or something. Maybe you still don’t have the right buzz. Pro tip: make the decision to keep things reasonable, or keep your car parked and get a ride home, sooner rather than later. (Editor’s note: nothing better than a buzzed walk home on a summer night anyway) It’s your fate. Go get drunk. Grab an Uber. Make him take you through a drive-thru and buy him curly fries. You know, seize the day.

STILL isn’t your night? Blame it on the b-holes next to you

When you get home, start talking to yourself. You definitely would have started 6x playfield and stacked it with that mode on Ghostbusters if that couple next to you weren’t playing so close, hands bumping yours. Yeah, great, a perfect first date. Well, you know what? You’re ruining MY LIFE. THIS IS ALL I HAVE.

(For god’s sake, please don’t actually do this.)

Last resort. Find your faith. Pray to Keith Elwin Videos

Pick yourself up off the floor and watch old Keith tournament footage. It really is bazonkers. The guy is a machine. Just thank the lord that you’re never playing him in a tournament. It could always be worse. Imagine putting up 59 million on Funhouse and losing. Like…. come on, man. Keith! KEITH!!!!! KEEEEITH!!!!

KEEEEEEEEITHHHHHHH