Nudge 7: Headbanging 101 with IGGY
When I posed the question, “should we run a metal playlist or another normal Nudge playlist?” I was honestly kinda offended by how one-sided it was. Turns out y’all are a buncha bong-hittin’, riff-kickin’, pizza-lickin metal stoner. Just unapologetically kicking down the gates of hell, etc etc. If this is making me sound like not the biggest metal dude, then you’re right. DOC isn’t.
But you know what? This playlist actually did get me there. It’s an ass kickin’ ride that doesn’t let up. Look, I can already hear the metal purists being all pissy about this not being, “metal enough”. Well, guess what? Metalheads are impossible to make happy -- no matter what we pick there’s room for it to be more metal. None of these songs were recorded in a Swedish death cult’s kitchen. Sorry. But if you don’t like it? Blame yourself. Because this playlist is dope. If you’re not having fun, look inward. You’re like star wars fans, fucking yourselves out of fun with your own impossibly high standards. We get it, Han Solo was cool.
Anyway, the last time we checked in with Iggy, we weren’t sure if he was still with us. I’m sad to say that this article seems to have originated before his disappearance. I signed for a DHL package last week. Inside that package was a box, and inside that box was a monkey’s paw, and inside that monkey’s paw was a - you guessed it - smaller monkey’s paw, but inside THAT paw was flash drive. Classic Iggy. The flash drive kid, they used to call him. Anyway, on it was an encrypted playlist and this word document, but, like, with WAY more misspellings. What follows may be Iggy’s last communication with the world.
IGGY DOES METAL
Fucking metal. The only genre with nonstop high level energy to get you pumped and keep you pumped. Just breaking those high scores left and right at the tables. What follows is a survey of the metal landscape. Dukes in the kingdom of metal. Thrash. Mathcore. Grindcore. Power metal. Death. Doom. Horrorcore. Black. Stoner. Etc. There’s something for everyone under the metal umbrella. Like my third wife’s obscenely large wine collection, metal has so many subgenres that you’ll eventually be able to find something to suit your palate. Or get fucked trying.
There is some metal NOT represented here. Fuck nazi nationalist bullshit. 2022 is as good a year as any to get rid of that shit. So put on your leather jacket, bullet belt, tattered jeans, and get ready to bang your fucking heads. If this doesn’t get you pumped to blast those flippers then you’re dead inside.
Megadeth: the greatest thrash band of all time
Maybe not the greatest thrash band of all time, that’s Exodus, but they’re definitely better than Anthrax (editor’s note: Yeah, SCOTT IAN, we are talking to YOU see: Nudge 1). Anyway, I included “Mechanix” on the list because it’s a faster, better version of “The Four Horsemen” by Metallica. I won’t be drawn into an argument on this though because neither band gets even close to the awesomeness of the next artist.
Don’t like Manowar? Go fuck yourself.
Don’t call yourself a metalhead. You don’t deserve the title. If they’re good enough for Orson Welles, they’re damn well good enough for you. Like some kind of fucked up Willy Wonka, Manowar puts you in a world of absolute, pure heavy fucking metal. They are leather, regicide, and pagan warriors personified. I got tinnitus in Hanover in 1984 when Manowar played the loudest metal concert ever. I was in Bulgaria in 2008, and experienced their life-changing 5-hour and one-minute record-breaking concert. This band is fucking loud and fast and unequivocally the greatest metal band ever. Manowar kills!
Abagail is a mystery to me
I don’t really know much about them. They’re Japanese. Joel Grind of Toxic Holocaust records with them sometimes. They’re metal as fuck. Nothing screams metal more than a song called “Satanik Metal Fucking Hell.” Their other songs are just as metal: “ Beer! Metal! Sex!”, “Hells Necromancer”, and “Satanik for Slaughter,” among others. Their recordings are pretty lo-fi, but that doesn’t make them any less metal. It adds to their metal street cred.
That’s all he wrote.
Literally, that’s where Iggy’s document ended. It sorta feels like it’s in the middle of a thought, but then again maybe he meant it to be that way. Who can say? Anyway, I hope we hear from that guy sometime soon, especially because these Ask Iggy emails keep piling up in our inbox. Here’s hoping he shows up in our hour of greatest need. But he probably won’t, after all -- look at the end of this article.
