Machine Hogs won’t scoot?

Our lowdown on how to give ‘em the boot.

By Rick Brewster

Machine hogs. We’ve all been guilty of being “that dude.” It’s understandable if you decide to play a replay or two, or you’re just blowing a game the fuck up - Goals, really - but pumping credit after credit into a game out in the wild with no regard for the people around you… not cool. Especially if you’re in a dedicated pinball spot - what are you doing, dog? Let the people play. Take a walk. Go get a drink. Take a piss, for God’s sake. Do it for YOU. It’s called self care. Get all that beer out of your system and just chill for a zen second.

But, machine hogs are gonna machine hog, ya feel us? It could be any number of reasons. Some people just don’t know any better. Some people just don’t care. So how do you get them off the machine? There are some considerate ways to indicate to someone you’re trying to play the game they’re on, and there are some, uh, less considerate ways. Point being: you have options.

*This is the aproximate amount of badass you’ll be exuding by the end of this article*

Within that myriad of options, your level of courtesy or aggression will wildly differ. It’s all about choosing the right style for you. Trust us, don’t be ruder than you have to be, but sometimes if you want results, ya gotta get down in the mud and get dirty. Below is a list of methods to get a machine hog to take a hike, ranked from most polite to absolute pure chaos. Like most things in life - choose your own adventure! Your results may vary. Try not to die or get kicked out of the arcade plz.

Most polite: wait until a game is done, and ask to play

The Polite Pinballer. It’s direct, effective, and non-invasive. Let’s face it, the only way someone will get mad at you is if they’re truly a giant dick (unfortunately, a rather common occurrence). They might blow you off or leave, but also be prepared for the third option: duos. The Machine Hog might stay on and play with you - if they’ve been grinding it this long, they may not leave entirely - but you’ll at least get on for a game or two. Sure, it’s not great to play with Mr. Personality, but it’s something, ya know? This is the preferred method for newly released games that have a lot of attention around them.

Passive-aggressive: stare at the homie on the machine with absolute dead eyes while they’re playing

I hate that vibe when I feel someone is staring at me. Like, what do you want, man? Well guess what? Most Machine Hogs won’t like it either. Keep mean mugging Mr./Ms. Hog until they get that feeling of discomfort, and eventually, if it’s working, they won’t enjoy their game too much on account of all the terrible staring. Tip: to work best, make sure you’re well within their line of sight. For the penis-havers out there (Editor’s note: is this the worst way to say this, Rick? Perhaps) - this is about on the level of someone choosing the urinal next to you in a public bathroom when there is more than one available. What are you doing? Are you trying to make people uncomfortable? In this case, yes. Yes, we are.

Getting personal: throw some quarters on the glass

Still in passive-aggressive teritory, but leaning into the aggro space: try placing some quarters on the glass by the lockbar. This indicates you want to get in on a game next. I’ve never had someone do this to me, and honestly, I’d be pretty rattled if they did without saying anything. That’s like some John Wick energy. Extra chaos points if you do this mid-ball, though it’s pretty much never cool to interrupt and distract someone’s game. Now all of a sudden they have justice on their side because YOU’RE the dick. So, you know, watch out for that.

Gross but effective: use bodily functions to your advantage (within reason)

A little crop-dusting never hurt anyone, right? (Editor’s note: false) That’s right, Rip a big ole fart or two in close proximity to the Machine Hog. Maybe it’s a hot day in a sweaty bar: lift those arms and let those pits breathe! Let some burps out. The closer you can get to temporarily being Pig-Pen from Charlie Brown, the better. Like, we want to see the stink waves in real life. Maybe don’t make this your standard MO though, unless you’re ready and willing to deal with the consequences. You might get banned if you do too good a job. That’s on you. Live by the stink, die by the stink.

Aggressive but weak/lame: ask/cry to the bartender for help

If you’ve exhausted your options and the Machine Hog is still holding it down, you can talk to a bartender. They might actually help! They also might just laugh at you, ask what you’ve done, and you’ll have to explain you’ve just been farting near them for the past couple games. Snitches end up in ditches, right? Something like that? Still, it’s an option. Just don’t start crying. Please. Have a little dignity.

REAL aggressive: play the game next to them, and throw your machine into theirs

Everyone loves a neighboring tilt, right? I just watched a friend score 240k on Wizard of Oz, and due to a league match to their left and some sticky feet, a slide turned into a machine hurl, and they tilted out 120k of this poor man’s bonus - what would have been a nice 50% of their score. It was pretty damn funny, but I’ll safely guess that your resident quarter dumper won’t find any humor in the situation. After the second tilt, you might get some of this aggression thrown right back at you. Keep your head on a swivel, folks. Unless you’re willing to get booted from the arcade and have a mild death wish, this might not be the one for you.

So, how aggro do you wanna get out in the wild? The choice is yours. Be as polite or as gross as you wanna be, but be prepared to deal with the consequences. Hey, it’s all worth it if you can finally get on your Addams Family and end with three magnet drains for under 10 million points, right? RIGHT?!