Cheapish Pleasures: 3 PRO PINS that still absolutely SLAP

Pin prices are out of control. That’s not breaking new ground. We’ve all just kinda had to accept it. This is reality now. But you have to admit that when you tell casuals about how much you paid for that Lethal Weapon 3 in your climate-controlled rec room, they look at you like you just took your private parts out and waved them around.

Is it worth it? Hell yeah it’s worth it. It’s pinball. At the same time, we’re not rich people. Hell, if you can own one pin — that’s the dream, right? So you start looking at the... lower shelf. Sure, the ninja turtles are cool — but is it absolutely necessary to have a shaker motor to experience the richness and fullness of the NINJA TURTLE IP? IDK, man. Maybe?

And it’s not just folks who wanna buy pinball machines — your typical on-location player is even MORE at the whims of some dude who owns a laundry mat and wants a little side cash. Those goofballs aren’t buying some LE because they appreciate the totally unique powder coating and George Gomez autograph (respect, George). Basically all those guys are looking for is something low maintenance that’s also detergent-resistant.

Playing a pro on-location? It’s fine! But there’s always gonna be that gnawing feeling in the back of your mind — what if THIS Elvira had a fuckin’ weird extra monster that popped up or whatever. So here we go. Here are three pro pins that still play great.

Star Wars

I know what you’re thinking. Wait, didn’t you guys just clown Star Wars like literally a month ago? Yeah, we did. But you know what? Maybe that was hyperbole. Maybe we were acting out to get attention. Maybe it was just a weird time in our lives. Do we bring up every time someone gets drunk and starts waxing nostalgic about Data East games? I mean, only if it’s funny. Listen, focus up. This is about Stern Star Wars — can we put the personal beef aside and just respect the pin for a second? Can we do that?

Star Wars is a solid game. It’s fast, it’s brutal, and it’s damn fun. To me, it feels like what would happen if you gave a kid a bunch of pinball machine parts and a 2 liter of Mountain Dew Code Red instead of their prescribed ADHD medication. Then you asked them to design a game. Yeah, it’s that fun. The pro version doesn’t mess that up at all — in fact, I’d argue the barebonesedness of it actually sorta enhances the experience. You’re flying around out there in a pro, beat to hell, but still kicking. You know who that sounds like? Han solo flying the millennium falcon! Does that make you Han? Maybe it does. Did Han Solo have a restraining order that keeps him out of the bar section of all the Olive Gardens across the entire Eastern Seaboard? No? I guess that’s just you, baby.

So what are you actually missing?

Not much. You’re missing the “hyperloop” a wireform ramp that, when primed with multiple balls, whips that shit around like absolutely no one’s business. Seriously. And while that is preeeeetty, pretty cool — for me it’s not a game-changing mech. Is it dope? Yes. Does it make me play better when I get the odd chance at a premium? Emphatically no.

Oh, and the death star is different. The pro’s doesn’t blow up. Though, I could argue that neither do the other ones in the Premium. Like, those mechs are, uh, a little underwhelming. Imagine if at the end of the first star wars movie instead of blowing up like a firework, Luke hits the exhaust pipe or whatevs, and then this big sorta barn door on the death star opens up and a couple of trumpets blurt out some sad notes while the door flaps back and forth. That’s kinda what happens with the Premium death star. It’s cool… I guess. But it doesn’t really get your blood pumping the same way an explosion would. Can we get a firecracker mod for this bad boy?

What are you getting?

You’re getting everything that makes star wars great. You’re getting the insanely fast, buttery-smooth, jittery-ass ADHD gameplay. You’re getting a super deep rule set (that everyone will say “you just gotta understand multipliers” with the same conviction of a struggling Algebra 2 tutor). You’re getting some fun multiballs (Tie fighter multiball is one of the more fun things to happen on a pinball table in a minute. It does actually feel like you’re Luke and just blasting those lil’ fuckers out of the sky.) And you’re getting, uh, Star Wars. Which is a dope theme! The music definitely isn’t as good as the Mandalorian (like, I’m sure it’s hard to license John Williams music, but god damn guys — I need more), but it’s still great to hear the theme.

The Mandalorian

I feel like everyone forgot about the Mandalorian the second that Godzilla came out, which is a shame because this table low-key rules. No, I’m gonna revise that. This table HIGH-key rules. This table coke-key rules. This table, then I say a key thing, rules, etc etc etc.

I mean, it’s not every day you get a “truck nuts” multiball. A term coined by our Twitch streamin’ homies, Pinball With a View — which is maybe the most accurate and insightful pinball description of this generation. Sure, the game calls it the razor crest multiball, but that’s not what you’re going to call it. Now that you’ve heard truck nuts? There’s absolutely no way you’re ever going back. No, now you’re going to see it exactly the way that God intended — like you’re bopping some big ole truck nuts en route to that center ramp. Hit those babies four times, you got a multiball you can bring into any mode. Nice nice nice.

It’s one of the more satisfying shots in pinball. Honestly? This game is full of good shots. You can backhand the scoop on the left flipper and the inner orbit with the right. It’s relatively easy to learn, but hard to master. This pin has got a lot going for it.

So what are you actually missing?

The big one is the encounters section, the big spot up on top that drops you into the mando helmet. Instead of having a raised mando playfield that can go vertical (and has two flippers), you’re stuck with a single flipper and a decidedly more floaty lil’ helmet game. You know what? I PREFER THAT ONE. I’ve played them both and frankly, the whole going vertical thing is overrated. It def doesn’t make the encounters mini-game any more fun, and every time I go on location to play one, it seems like that whole mech is out of commission. Plus, I just prefer the single flipper — which feels more like a fun action-reaction game. SO THERE.

What are you getting?

You’re getting a goddamn great game. All the drama comes from three distinctively different and very cool modes. Encounters, missions, and multiballs. Every mode uses video clips from The Mandalorian suuuuuper well. So well, in fact, that it makes me question why there isn’t a bigger emphasis on this in other games. This is a great example of why you need the full license. I dunno what happened with Jurassic Park, but that’s what kept it from being in this group. Even though that game is super fun, the whole fact that the only likeness on it is Dennis Nedry feels so, so weird.

Mandalorian is true to the theme, plays fast, rewards good shots, and has “flow”. Which, let’s just have an aside here — I’m not totally sure what “flow” means. One shot flows to the next, sure. But that can be true of almost any game. I agree that the ramps here are generous and the shots feel intuitive. Now shut the fuck up plz.

Look at all the fun this totally fun guy is having!

Godzilla

This is the new kid on the block, but I’m gonna go ahead and make this prediction: pro Godzillas are gonna age like that dumb bitch, Paul Rudd. The way things are going, I’m gonna be long dead by the time that guy drops off the hot hunk list. Is he funny? He talks funny sometimes. I dunno, man. He’s probably funny. I’m just getting old and sour. Anyway, Godzilla rules.

Fighting Kaiju is just such a great pairing alongside pinball that it’s sort of amazing that it hasn’t been done before. At its heart its basically a blown-out version of the Deadpool fights, but with even more variety and options. I am a damn FAN.

So what are you actually missing?

This is the hardest pin to swallow on this list, I know. You’re missing that frickin’ cool building. On top of being one of the cooler multiball moments in pinball (right up there with Apollo 13), the building also acts as a diverter, a cool ass set piece, and just, I dunno. I get it. It’s godzilla, dude. He’s supposed to treat buildings the way Ray Liotta treats a hot Italian sandwich — not well! In short, the building is awesome. There’s no denying it. It’s a signature piece.

What are you getting?

But at the same time, you DO have a building in the pro version. Is it as cool? No, of course not, not by a long shot. But you’re also getting the magna-shot right next to it, which matters more for the actual gameplay. Sure, it doesn’t lock the balls on the roof or whatevs, and that’s a great visual, but I mean — it still feels cool when you get a Godzilla multiball. Sheesh.

AND YOU’RE GETTING A GREAT LAYOUT. Godzilla is fun and fast and crazy. There’s a reason every time you talk to someone who’s played it, they’re kinda obsessed. The loop shot is so fun, the ramps are great, hell — I’m all about those spinner shots. Ebirah, baby! Hell yeah!

You’re also getting a great game on the code side. People are gonna complain that it’s not finished. Well you know what? What’s there is absolutely awesome. You get to pick battles, pick the city you destroy, it’s frickin’ great. If this is where pinball is headed, then sign me up. This shit slaaaaaaaaaaps, bro. If you’re reading this and haven’t played Godzilla yet — then what the hell? Do you hate yourself? Get going. Literally, put your phone down right now and start walking to where Godzilla is. I’m not joking.