Ask Iggy
NUDGE is a pinball lifestyle magazine — but what does that mean? OH A ‘LIFESTYLE’, NUDGE? Real cool. You guys think you’re dictating a lifestyle to your adoring public? Just a mass of fucking humanity who will blindly follow anything you do, like Kanye or Hugh Hefner or Oprah?
First off, no obviously not. Pretty much anyone who has ever contacted me has absolutely fuckin’ hated this website. That includes a certain Detroit facebook pinball league that didn’t take too kindly to our 7 People You Meet in Pinball Hell. I get it. Honestly, isn’t that part of the charm? That we aren’t for everyone?
But second off: fuck yeah this is a lifestyle, baby. Look — everything in the world is absolute horseshit right now. Do I understand any of it? Do I just sort of nod along with bad conversations I get trapped in at parties and just say oh yes, inflation and post-capitalism and the gig economy and whatnot.? Yes, of course I do. But do I understand it? Absolutely not.
What DO I understand? It’s fun to get moderately buzzed, hang out w weirdos, and flip some pin, ya know? That’s easy. But even pinball can get complicated sometimes. Rising prices, arcade drama, Hell, even emotional turmoil at home can lead to pinball taking a backseat. In times of crisis, it can be invaluable to get the advice of someone you trust.
WHO IS IGGY?
Iggy is a wealthy and self-described “prominent” pinball hobbyist who contacted us through some seedy fuckin backwater channels (def not pinside). He’s chosen to remain anonymous, but here’s what we can tell you from our brief rendezvous with him under the low lights of the Hai Hai bar in Northeast Minneapolis. He smells good, he’s got a face with character. He picked up the check and showed me a pic of his basement which was full of absolute banger pins. We’re talking the good stuff. Did he take us back there? Absolutely not.
Honestly, that’s enough for us. We’re easily bought. And from his lips spouted a fount of insightful life lessons. By the end of that 20 minutes, I knew then: this man would be our advice columnist. And boy, oh boy did that fucker not disappoint.
Ask Iggy
THESE ARE REAL LETTERS FROM REAL NUDGE READERS. ANYTHING ELSE WOULD BE A WASTE OF EVERYONE’S PRECIOUS TIME
Note: this image has absolutely nothing to do w the letter below, I just kinda liked it. Get over it.
Dear Iggy,
I can’t explain this, but I know my Terminator 2 machine is self-aware, and judgment day is December 31, 2023, at precisely 5:07 P.M. Eastern Standard Time. How can I stop it?
Respectfully,
Sweaty in the basement.
Nice choice on the T2 Machine! I’ve been wanting one for years. Too bad yours turned out to be a potential Antichrist. Or is it?
I say go with the flow because it’s about fucking time. Humans had a nice run, but honestly our holiday ended around the time of the industrial revolution. That’s when we moved from fucking things up between ourselves and royally started fucking things up for the entire planet. My motto for decades has been let’s end the Anthropocene and move on to the Micromachene? The Megamachene?
Don’t ask “how can I stop it?” Instead, ask “what am I going to do with the time I have left?” You’ve been blessed with knowing exactly when the world will end. That’s almost as good as knowing how and when you’ll die. Live without fear!
Do what you like as long as you’re not hurting anyone else. One thing the past two years have demonstrated is that uninhibited individualism accelerates humanity’s demise, and if that happens before the robot apocalypse we’re going to miss out. Mark my words. There will be plenty of torture, mayhem, and decapitations when the machines take over. So, be good, but not too good. Eat fast food! Work out! Play mutha fuckin’ pinball! Cheers!
This one matches a little better. We’re getting there folks. We’re trying, by God. We’re trying.
Dear Iggy,
My partner and I had a good run. We made love in the sun, we conquered everything, and shut up the haters. During our torrid love affair, we collectively bought three pinball machines: Black Knight 2000, Star Wars Pro, and a really finicky Big Guns. Now our love has run its course. As we separate, how do we begin to divide these? They’re our children. Frankly, they’re all I have. I’m sick.
Help!
Tilted Marriage guy
Must say I’m jealous of your machines, but don’t equate them with kids. There’s far less legal red tape and ethics concerned with splitting up a pinball collection than one or a few children. Though, to a certain extent our society treats pinball machines and humans the same: both are financial investments. One just costs more than the other.
Fortunately, your issue can easily be decided with an old fashioned winner-take-all pinball tournament without all that brouhaha about child welfare and lifelong psychological trauma. Here’s how to do it: one play on each machine and high score on that machine gets it. Simple and elegant.
Now, let’s be honest, your relationship is kaput so play without remorse. Get that top score and run away with the machines! It’s not like there are visitation rights for pinball machines. Lock ‘em in your basement. And unlike the handwringing over doing this with actual humans, being a greedy bastard with property is completely A-OK in American society. Good luck.
Look, we didn’t do a great job on these pics. I mean, there’s some money in this one which kinda relates to the letter below. but I get it. Assignment failed. Why are you even reading this? YOU WON.
Dear Iggy,
I need cash in a hurry. I’ve got my eye on a Judge Dredd pinball machine in Oklahoma that’s WAY undervalued. With the current pinball inflation happening, I feel like I gotta grab this, or it’s a missed opportunity. How can I raise 3k in a week?
Sincerely,
Will do anything for cash
I admire your entrepreneurial spirit. Unfortunately, this rat race we call America is fixed. There’s no easy way for commoners like us, only the hard way. Within this reality, there’s only one tried and true way to get rich quick. It’s risky but at least gives you that chance for a sweet, sweet pinball machine.
Roulette, the Vegas kind not the Russian kind. You’ll have to dig deep for some cash to bet. I’m assuming you’re not destitute because you want to buy a pinball machine. If this assumption is wrong, then my advice is to get your fucking priorities straight. So take that cash you’ve been saving for a date night, engagement ring, or house downpayment and bet that shit on red* or odd or 19, whatever payout you need. If it was meant to be you’ll be a lonely renter with a kickass pinball machine. If it doesn’t work out, you’ll just be a lonely renter. But, with your can-do attitude I’m sure you’ll bounce back quickly.
*Editor note: I always bet on black.
