Ask Iggy Volume 4
It’s been too long, but you asked for it, so we brought him back. The only licensed pinball advice columnist who is wanted by the law in 17 countries, including probably the one where you’re reading this right now. The last time we saw Iggy, you’ll remember that he was headed towards international waters on a jet ski, naked as the day he was born, and carrying about 30 million in crypto on a thumb drive strung on a puka shell necklace.
We didn’t hear from him for months. Then we at Nudge got an email in the dead of night from a mysterious sender. Could it be the new JJP announcement? Nope, it was just stupid, Iggy. He told me to turn my radio all the way to the end. What came out I can only describe as unworldly. I put it in talk to text on my phone, and amazingly this letters section is what came out. I’m not sure if Iggy is on this side of life or on the other side, but we gotta be real: the man still has it. Here’s hoping he’s out there somewhere in the night, searching for answers and playing TMNT premium like god intended. On to the letters.
WHO IS IGGY?
Iggy is a wealthy and self-described “prominent” pinball hobbyist who contacted us through some seedy fuckin backwater channels (def not pinside). He’s chosen to remain anonymous, but here’s what we can tell you from our brief rendezvous with him under the low lights of the Hai Hai bar in Northeast Minneapolis. He smells good, he’s got a face with character. He picked up the check and showed me a pic of his basement which was full of absolute banger pins. We’re talking the good stuff. Did he take us back there? Absolutely not.
Honestly, that’s enough for us. We’re easily bought.
Ask Iggy
THESE ARE REAL LETTERS FROM REAL NUDGE READERS. ANYTHING ELSE WOULD BE A WASTE OF EVERYONE’S PRECIOUS TIME
Could Rick and Morty turn the heat up on these losers? Signs point to trouble.
Rick and Mortified
My fiancé won’t let me put the Rick & Morty Blood Sucker Edition on our wedding registry and I’m about ready to throw a fit. I’ve told them that this isn’t just a gift, it’s an investment. This is one of the crown jewels of Spooky pinball. I mean, it’s smart money, right? My fiance seems to think I’m some kind of a dunce, but I feel like I’m like the really smart and excitable guy from CNBC or those people on Reddit who buy all the Gamestop. Besides all that, R&M represents a dream theme for me, and one fueled by a soundtrack chock full of the ONE AND ONLY SCOTT DANESI? I mean, duh. Right? Duh.
This game represents the sort of foundation that I think we need to build a successful marriage. If they don’t feel the same way, shouldn’t I call off the wedding?
Relationship in a Pickle (Rick)
Relationship,
Good for your fiance. Honestly, they sound like a keeper to me. You’re reaching a life milestone here and it’s time to stop getting memorabilia used to decorate a college party house. I’m not saying don’t get a pinball machine. I’m saying it’s time for you to get the appropriate pinball machine for your marriage. Pinball grows with you and the themes of the games you play are a reflection of you. The games you own define who you are. So who are you as a couple? Got a lil’ sassy spice? TNA all the way. Are you slow but beautiful? The Hobbit, easy. Are you a couple of stone cold psychopaths? Black Knight Sword of Rage
Registries are supposed to help newlyweds get a start on building a future together. That’s because marriage is a never-ending series of compromises that will literally happen until you or your partner either call it off or die. We’re going to assume you both like pinball, so if it’s the Rick and Morty thing that’s not doing it for ‘em, well, this is definitely not a hill to die on. Especially before you’ve tied the knot.
An artist’s rendering of what Old but Sexy may look like from letter 2 based strictly on musical preferences.
Aging sucks
I’m a rocker first and foremost. Know that about me. Sure my hair might be thinning, but damn does it look good trailing behind me as I scare local kids while gunning my Harley on our cul de sac. Anyway, I’ve had a Rolling Stones pinball machine since 1988. It’s been a good machine, but it’s seen better days. I’m gonna be real, I’ve never shopped it. Flippers broke to shit, Hell, the thing barely works at all. Should I pull the plug on this thing? It’s hard to do. All I can think of when I look at it are the good times and how they’ve soured now. We’ve had a good run, but its breaking down. I guess I just needed to say it out loud. I think it’s time to take it out to pasture.
Old but still sexy
Old,
I do not condone this action at all. Pinball machines that have lived their useful life for one person can have a useful life for another, even if you don’t get no satisfaction. It’s like a puppy, some people can take care of it, and others shouldn’t be allowed to take care of living things. If you don’t want your machine because it won’t stop breaking down, I’m sure someone else will look out for it, which is ironic because the Stones didn’t look after others at all. They owe their entire success to black American bluesmen who they definitely didn’t pay enough, or in most cases at all, for the music they ripped off. Fortunately, pinballers are better than that. Did you hear that? You’re better than the frickin’ ROLLING STONES.
Much like its geriatric namesake your machine is not completely shattered but instead will continue to live some sort of zombified existence and continue, under the right motivation, to function well past its relevance. That’s just what the Rolling Stones do. Don’t love in vain. You’re not out of time; time is on your side. Sell the machine to a serious pinballhead and get yourself an upgrade, like a Rush or Metallica machine (editor’s note: barf), but always keep in mind that you can’t always get what you want.
Do you have a letter for ask iggy? send us a shout at nudgepinballmagazine@gmail.com
We’ll make sure he gets it. Even if it has to be sent to the great beyond.
