The Insane Story Behind Popeye Pinball

Python goes on to describe what Popeye’s principal antagonist has been up to these days “Bluto, Popeye’s old foe, has a big oil business in the U.S.” His oil company, Brutus Oil, was responsible for a recent massive oil spill which begins to wash up and ruin the pristine beaches of Popeye’s island. Popeye sets out on a difficult fishing trip in which he at first only catches “Nothing but plastic bags, tires, Styrofoam cups and other junk.” Finally he catches a grouper but when he brings it on board he notices that the fish has “propeller scars from speed boats on his back, has a mouthful of hooks and purple eyes from mercury poisoning.” Popeye patches up the poor fish and tosses it back in the water. Frustrated, Popeye takes a big swig of “spinach schnapps” and heads on home.

When he gets home, Popeye notices Olive Oyl’s feet are all covered in goopy black tar from the beach, and learns that while Olive was surfing “she got tangled in drift netting and stung by a discarded syringe that washed up on the beach.” This is the final straw for Popeye, who then decides to visit the continental U.S. to get to the root of the pollution issue and hopefully find a solution. He arrives at his homeland and is horrified to discover the waters are heavily polluted with garbage and “Everyone is concerned only with money- just making money.”

He visits New Orleans and witnesses a devastated shrimping industry. Then onto Los Angeles to discover all the pacific wild tuna has been overfished into non-existent supply. All the way up in Alaska he discovers the environmental devastation of the Exxon Valdez disaster. In Nova Scotia there is no remaining cod supply left and no pike left to fish in Mississippi! He turns on the TV to witness the world-famous deep-sea diver and oceanographer, Jacques Cousteau “Begging humanity to stop the insanity.” He sees all the major “conservationist gurus” and intellectuals of the day: Diane Fosse, Carl Sagan, Peter Moyers join Greenpeace and plead for the public to wake up and realize the whole future of the planet is at stake!

Popeye suddenly remembers the story of Noah from the Bible. Inspired by a higher cause to save all the animals of the Earth, Popeye sets sail back to his little island, sells off his stake to the rights to his comic book and cartoon appearances and uses the money to bankroll operation “Popeye Ark 2000”.

Okay folks, here’s where it gets really wild… Python writes, “Through his former, special connections and sailor buddies from the Navy, and with the help of VP Gore, Popeye acquires Howard Hughes’ Glomar Explorer - the biggest ship on Earth.” With the assistance of Professor Holkus Polkus, Popeye gets his hands on some NASA booster rockets and begins constructing his Space Ark to the stars.

When all the mini habitats are created and ready to accommodate their guests, Popeye sets off across the world collecting pairs of every single living animal species known to mankind. Olive Oyl, Swee'Pea and Holkus Polkus climb aboard the Glomar mega ship turned spacecraft. Popeye is even joined by a crew of “good-hearted, idealistic college folks.”

After travelling across every continent, collecting two of each species, the environmental animal enclosures are covered by huge plastic domes supplied by NASA so they are pressurized and sealed off from the vacuum of space.

Despite the skepticism and ridicule of everyone else “Religious leaders believe the coming messiah is the answer, business leaders think investments, production and pollution is the answer.” On the night before his audacious launch, Popeye issues a massive 2 hour televised statement to the world which is “Underwritten by Texas billionaire, Ross Perot.” Their mission is to find other suitable planets “to ensure the continuation of their survival, to save them from extinction.”

Popeye fuels up and ignites the 8 NASA shuttle booster rockets attached to the Glomer and they all take off, leaving the Earth far behind.

Popeye’s plan is to head out to Saturn, and use its massive gravity well to slingshot out into deep space. On the long, slow, voyage, Popeye maintains the habitats and attends to the animals aboard in his space-faring ark much like Bruce Dern’s character in the film, Silent Running (go watch it, it’s really an underappreciated sci-fi gem!).

The crew of the Glomar encounter some really trippy shit out in deep space. They enter a “terrible river of space storms never known to man or science before. It is a spatial gulfstream or whitewater river that flow between solar systems and galaxies.” At this point Popeye’s Ark is traversing space at a tremendous speed and “travels in one week to places that comets and pulsars travel in 100 billion light years.” So basically they’re travelling faster than light.

Searching for their “promised land” they determine a suitable planetary system and begin landing preparations as they enter the selected planet’s atmosphere…

The planet is mostly covered by beautiful blue waters. “They land the ship in one of its 10 seas and are surrounded by strange boats.” As Python steps out of the ship he immediately notices that the whole planet smells horrible. “Everything stinks terribly – water, the air.” It dawns on Popeye how creatures on this planet can tolerate the horrible smell because all the inhabitants there have no noses! He learns that the planet they are on is called Odorsphera. The leader of the indigenous civilization of Odorsphera admit that “people/animals with noses suffer and die from unknown causes, so they kill themselves before they go insane.” With the only solution to this awful smelling planet being cutting off everyone’s noses, Popeye elects to leave Odorsphera and try for another planet.

I bet right now you must be thinking that famed director, Christopher Nolan stole the plot of Interstellar from Python. And I’m not saying he didn’t!

Popeye journeys on, to eventually land on a series of many other unsuitable planets for Earth-based life forms. There’s a planet where every creature is either “spotted or striped” and there is “prejudice against others on this planet. Next planet – red planet – everything red. Alternative planet – unisex – gay – do not want pairs of heterosexuals.” Another planet is named “Canibalia – animals extinct – higher mental being use lower mental beings as servants and food supply.” And “Another planet – high society of animals – eagles – that distrust people and won’t allow them on the planet.” Python goes on to list off more potential planets Popeye and his crew can visit: “No water planet, 3 moon planet, female planet, planet with 2 suns – never nighttime.”

After all these failed attempts to find Earth’s animals a new home, Popeye simply gives up and “decides to leave the cosmic river and return on a cosmic shortcut through the Pavronian System of interstellar gaseous storms, and ride them back to our solar system, and planet Earth.” Landing the Ark in the waters off of Cape Canaveral, Popeye notices that over the many years they were gone, the Earth has gotten even worse from when he left. The sky, sea and land is all completely polluted and incapable of sustaining life. In fact, Popeye “finds only people, but no animals.” Most of the human population has been wiped out from disease and starvation. Some people have even resorted to straight up cannibalism to survive.

“Fortunately, there are a few wise people who allow Popeye’s animals to replenish themselves and share the Earth once more. He releases them into their natural habitats, and there is great joy!”

THE END.

I’m personally not sure what the actual environmentalist message Python was trying to convey here, other than “there’s no place like home, so don’t blow it!”