Y So Sirius? What to do with the overly-competitive competitive pinball player

By Rick Brewster

Competitive pinball is, yes, competitive. You should try to play your best, and so should your playing partners. That’s like, the point. But sometimes, you find yourself grouped up with a fool playing Michael Jordan-esque mind games in a $5 monthly tournament, doing everything they can to get under your skin. It’s going beyond being a try-hard. You’re acting like a dick. 

You know the type (editor’s note: Loud as a motorbike? Wouldn’t bust a grape in a fruit fight?) They make snide, but “innocent” comments about your play. They’re friendly after a good ball but a jerk if they drain on a house ball. Or maybe they just freak out over the smallest slights or bad beats. 

Point being: they’re making the vibes worse for everyone. Super competitive doesn’t mean that you act like a child when things don’t go your way. We’re doing this because pinball is supposed to be fun, right? RIGHT? Imagine being the kind of person who rages at a LOCAL tournament. These are the same guys who try to take charges in pickup basketball games and turn an Oscars bingo card into a grudge match. 

Here’s the thing: you can use these shitty tendencies to your advantage. If they’re trying that hard to get into your head, well, they’re clearly way too deep in their own head. That’s a recipe for a quick and easy matchup. The best part? You don’t have to get on their level and play dirty or start raging , but you can still mess with ‘em a lil’ bit. Hey, why not? It’s karmic justice.

Be obnoxiously positive

Your playing partner complains about a flipper hop? Game is leaning right? Some setting on the game is more difficult than factory? Dang, bud, I thought the game was set up pretty well! 

Don’t lean into the negativity. Be a beam of unwavering positivity. Weaponize your optimism. Let them spin themselves into a tizzy, and walk up to the game on your next ball juuuuust a little too excited to play. We’re looking for Kelly Ripa energy. The downside? It sucks being that “up” and you might just burn yourself out before the end of the night. Short bursts though? This is a one-shot knockout. 

Be Zen as hell 

This is my personal favorite. Pinball is pinball, no matter the stakes. Without fail, the scariest guys I play with are the calmest. The ragers are not very scary. If you catch a quick sling drain a millisecond after the ball save light stops flashing, calmly walk away and come back for ball 2. If you absolutely annihilate the game on ball 1 and put the match out of reach… calmly walk away and come back for ball 2. 

You’re not Tiger Woods. You’re Barry Sanders. (editor’s note: SOMEBODY got a sports almanac for Christmas!) Hand the ball to the official, and get ready to score another one. Straight business. If you wanna gamify it for your own sake, try not to let anyone know you’re feeling anything. Be an expressionless s a d  b o i in the establishment. Side benefit: It makes people think that you’re deep. That’s cool. Maybe I’m wrong. I’ve been listening to a lot of Yung Lean lately. I don’t know.

Become an empty glass of nothingness

You’re on ball three. All of a sudden this jerk is calling bullshit over something. It doesn’t matter what it is. Why? You’re not listening. In fact, you’re not even there. You’re disassociating, on a forgotten island a thousand miles away. From their perspective, you’re nearly catatonic. Give them that deer-in-the-headlights look, as long as it takes them to shut up – or until they start looking really worried for your wellbeing. 

This is the nuclear option, but it IS effective. Become an empty glass of nothingness and rule your league night.

Now to answer the big question on everyone’s mind:

Should you get the TD involved?

Look, people freak out. They get serious about this pinball shit for any number of sensical or nonsensical reasons, and have real, visceral reactions to how things shake out. Just because you see someone losing it, in your group or otherwise, does not mean it’s cool. You can’t control that. For a quick and easy guide on the control you do have - I’ve constructed a hastily made decision-making flow chart as seen below.

It’s really that simple. 

I recently saw two men yelling in each other’s faces because someone moved in their line of sight while playing a tournament game. Yes, that was all that happened, and yes, this was at the local level. It would have been hilarious, had they not almost gotten in a physical altercation and ruined the night and/or tournament for everyone. (Still kinda entertaining in a gross, worldstar way, I guess.) 

Point being: Let’s be better than that. It’s why these leagues start at 7 pm. I thought I left seeing those silly interactions behind when I stopped going out until bar close at age 23. You are a grown ass adult playing pinball. Don’t be that person. And whatever you do, don’t take it out on the TD. That’s the quickest way to get to pinball hell, and if you get the ban hammer, you deserve it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯