The Cooler: 5 Ways to Beat Someone Better Than You at Pinball
By Doc Monday. Concept by Charlotte Filmore-Handlon
We all have that one friend. You know the one. The one whose ball seems to go on just a little too long. The one who ALWAYS hits the super jackpot on a multiball. The friend who isn’t allowed to play their extra balls. The Keith of the group.
It’s time to face facts: You’re never going to beat them on your own. That’s just not who you are, friend. You know what? That’s OK. It’s not always about being the best. Sometimes it’s about being the smartest.
That’s where cooling comes in. You know what a cooler is, right? The person they send in to shut down a hot hand at the poker table. Well, what’s good in a boring-ass game like poker is TRIPLE good in the dog-eat-dog world of pinball.
Why are we doing this? For the good of the people. We might not be able to teach you how to beat Monster Zero, but by god will we give you the psychological blueprint to make sure you can inflict enough psychic damage on your opponent that they won’t be able to either.
Cooling: A 5-Step Approach
Kill them with kindness
This is only going to work on a certain kind of player, but boy oh boy does it work. Sometimes the fastest way to get into someone’s head is just by complimenting them. We’ve written about how everyone sees through the insincere, “Great ball!” so you’re going to have to try a little harder than that.
Really, this can be about anything – but probably best kept to pinball-related stuff. You never know how someone’s gonna take it when you say something like, “You have a GREAT family.” over and over again. You know? I mean, that’s unnerving, but more in a way that’s going to get you booted from your local arcade than what we want.
Bore them to death with rule talk
I personally find Raymond Davidson to be an electric personality, but not everyone is as good at casually explaining a ruleset. Most times it is, dare I say it, the absolute worst fucking experience to have in front of a game. You know, you’re trying to plunge, but this person you’re playing with has been playing it “all week” and they just have to share all this pertinent fucking information. Welp, guess what? THAT PERSON IS YOU NOW.
If they ask you to stop, you’ve already won. That’s psych 101. In that case, you must stop explaining the rules, but don’t be afraid to let out an exasperated sigh when they don’t try for the super skill shot on Avengers or flinch when they drain without the multipliers going on Mando.
Appeal to their Spielberg side, then crank ‘em right in the Tarantinos
Reflect upon a funny moment you shared together. Get them chuckling. Like that time you went to Chuck E. Cheese together, ate a bunch of pizza and played a marathon of games even though you are both in your mid-30s and don’t have kids. “Hey remember when you ate too much pizza and almost barfed on the Skee-ball at Chuck E. Cheese?”
You know? You’ve weakened them with nostalgia, that common bond you share. And then get in real close and whisper in their ear, “Well, sure as God made little green apples, I’m gonna kick your mfing ass all over this Star Trek.” You know? Get ‘em RIGHT in the Tarantinos. Bonus points if it’s in front of that 88k Kill Bill reskin that’s for sale on Pinside right now.
Tell a story JUST boring enough
Tell a boring story is probably the easiest thing on this list to do. Why? Even our interesting stories are often pretty boring. Don’t overthink this, just wait in between games and say something like, “You won’t believe what happened…” then launch into a totally normal breakdown of your entire day.
They’ll keep waiting for the good part, to the point that now this game is secondary. When is the punchline coming? Is it coming? WTF? This is a great way to peel two games minimum off someone, and maybe up to five games if they’re really all about the HOT GOSS.
When all else fails, go with the classic: trash talk
Warning: I really love trash talk. I always have. For me, playing sports was kinda fun – but the best part was always talking shit. I know some people find it super annoying, but man, when it’s done well, it’s the absolute best. Honestly, it was the only thing I brought to my pickup basketball games at Shafter Park in Oakland.
Now, full disclosure: this is gonna blow your game up with certain people. Honestly, most pinball people are tightly wound. But this whole article sort of works on the idea that you’re playing with friends, and not some insane league nut who’s needling for every spare WPPR point they can.
The best part about friendship? Giving each other shit. For some of my friends, it’s sort of the only way we relate to each other, and the best part? A really good shit talk will get that blood going and make those mistakes happen just a BIT more often.
Lose again? Keep trying
Final takeaway: Like playing pinball, the art of cooling requires practice. Don’t be frustrated if that ball doesn’t drain instantly. Like any pinball skill, it takes time and practice to really get results. But hang in there and before you know it you will be draining balls left and right.
