Power Ranking Pinball Machine Eras
By Rick Brewster
What could go wrong?
The NFL season is here, and with it comes some of my favorite fluff pieces: power rankings. Nobody is happy, everyone disagrees with the so-called “experts,” and your team should be at least four spots higher than it is. Well, today I get to be the so-called expert, and all complaints go right to Doc and not to me. I can’t lose! I’ve broken down machine eras into arbitrary 7 to 9 year buckets that just felt right. There’s no real logic here, other than it feels right. Anyway, let’s get into the hot takes and commence the disagreements. I can at least promise you I won’t put the Bears in the top 10.
#7 (LAST): Later Solid States & System 11 - The Medieval Times (1983-1990)
This is simultaneously a direct response to the pro-System 11’s piece by none other than Doc Monday , along with my personal and professional opinion. (He also had no idea I was doing this piece, and I wish I could see his reaction when it hits his inbox.) (Editor’s note: I received it in the same way I receive all submissions. With a grim, stony stare that is usually reserved for people walking the plank and teens forced to be life guards.)
I’m sorry, it’s the dark era. You get some dumb shit, like X’s and O’s where the timed plunge is the entire game. And a whole lot of games featuring progressive jackpots. Unfortunate. Yeah, you get a fun ass game like TX Sector in there once in a while, but even a broken clock is right twice a day. Sorry. Next category. You wanna rip center ramps on Mousin Around, or chase progressive jackpots on Taxi? I don’t. Have your fun though. I’ll stop hating and go play something else. (Swords of Fury gets a pass, though. That game goes hard.)
#6: Medieval Times pt. 2 (1998-2006)
This was even more medieval, minus whatever the fuck got into Stern in 2003. TSPP, T3, and LOTR in one year? This was sandwiched by the likes of Elvis and the godforsaken nightmare that is Rollercoaster Tycoon. Still my number one draft pick for a remake a la Funhouse 2.0 - the shots are pretty fun, but the code makes you wish you were literally chopping wood instead of figuratively chopping wood. (Seriously, someone tell me what was in the water at Stern HQ in 2003.) And yeah, I know Monster Bash is in this category, but I don’t like my local copy and I know one of my good buddies loves it, so TAKE THAT JARED. Write a Nudge article about Monster Bash to get back at me. I dare you.
#5: Stern Gets Legit (2006-2014)
We’re crawling out of the dark ages, greeted by the weirdly-deep-as-fuck World Poker Tour. Yeah, you get CSI and 24, but you also get Tron, Iron Man, and Spider-Man. There are some gems in here! Overlooking the fact that a pinball machine featuring a video game (like the aforementioned Roller Coaster Tycoon) is pretty meta, Big Buck Hunter Pro is strangely endearing. I wish Stern made different versions of games back then, just so I could call it Big Buck Hunter Pro Premium. They’re okay. Go find a Transformers or an X-Men. They’re more fun than you think. And if you don’t have fun playing X-Men, just pretend you’re playing Rush.
#4: EMs and Shit (1970-1977)
Look, this isn’t my ballpark, but I do love a good EM. They’re charming. And watching players much better than myself wiggle balls around playfield dimples and off of metal posts knowing they have no tilt warnings remains impressive. The brutalness of an EM is unmatched. You know you’re losing about two of your five balls without really flipping. (And if you’re playing in a tournament with EMs set to three ball, I’m terribly, terribly sorry. It’s an awful experience.) Remember that one time Fred Richardson tilted an EM late into Pinburgh qualifying by wiping down the glass with his shirt? I do, and that single-handedly moved this category up like two spots.
#3: Early Solid States (1977-1983)
They’re so fucking fun. I had a borrowed Paragon in my living room for around two months, and that was about 50 years too short. There are too many good games to talk about. All the awesome Stern Electronics games with perfectly implemented center posts. The surprising complexity of games like Barracora and Centaur. The fantastic dual bonus system on Alien Poker, and the fact NO ONE TALKS ABOUT HOW INSANE THIS THEME IS. You’re playing poker with Aliens! It’s so good. Also, Orbitor 1 is in this era. Whatever that means to you. (Editor’s note: This is obviously completely biased, and so I have no problem using MY fave Orbitor 1 to represent this era)
#2: Modern Moderns (2014-present)
I’m not gonna say much here, because if you play pinball, you’ve played a modern Stern. They’re everywhere. Picture walking into a brewery and not seeing a dirty ass Mandalorian and a busted Star Wars at $1.50 per play with some unattended children running circles around and under them. (I’m not really selling this, am I?) It took a lot of willpower to not put this tier as my number one. I could have just written Keith Elwin and moved onto the next section. You’ve got the best pinball players in the world designing and coding titles, and pumping them out every couple months or so. Sure, you’ll get some delays, and you’ll get a Munsters once in a while, but you got Jurassic Park later that year. You’ll be alright.
#1: Golden Era (1990-1998)
It’s obvious, I know. But what are you gonna do (in my best Tony Soprano voice). This era captures easy to learn, hard to master better than any era previously listed. Attack From Mars = the gold standard. Folks pick this up pretty quick, and that fun keeps increasing when they find things like the billion point hurry up and get to defeating Mars or ruling the universe. As much as I love games in the tier above, I could play Dracula for triple stack multiballs for days over grinding for 40 minutes to get to a wizard mode in Godzilla. (Actually, days.)
Did I hit the nail on the head? You’re probably yelling at the screen you’re reading this on (hopefully a computer) because you fangirl over system 11s like Doc, or love Stern’s Elvis or something. Whatever. You can shuffle slots 3 through 7 all you want. But, pick your top two eras that aren’t moderns and 90s Bally/Williams though and I WILL tell you your opinion is incorrect. Send all complaints to Doc, and he’ll put them in his junk mail folder. See ya next week!
