PART II: HOW TO PREVENT JINXES

By Z Martin Brown

Missed Part I, where Z Martin Brown identified the Types of pinball jinxes? Here it is. 

So after reading all that, you’re like:

Jeezus. That's fucking horrible. How do I stop a Flipper Jinxer from cursing me?

I knew you'd come around. Come on, listen. Let me break it down for you.

Time for temporary pinball shades

I know what you’re asking yourself, could I actually be as COOL AS RUSH?

The first step to avoiding a jinx is to protect yourself physically. I'm not talking about wearing armor or hunkering inside a clear plastic bubble, like a cheap Bubble Boy sequel but without the magnetic charisma of Jake Gyllenhal. No. Start off by wearing dark shades. I can't emphasize dark enough. You see, the only thing, you, the player, needs to be fixated on are the bright flashing lights and balls in front of you. So, the darker the tint, the less you'll be able to see beyond the glowing box, which means less likelihood that a Flipper Jinxer will be able to disrupt your skills. 

Your new indoor dark shades might seem bizarre to others around you, and friends will likely ask, What's up, weirdo? Tell them you're stoned, tell them you have glaucoma., tell them whatever you want. Tell them the truth. (editor’s note: DO NOT DO THIS. It’s a surefire way to make sure you lock in an eternal jinx) You're trying to dodge jinxes. The point is, just wear the shit.

Or don’t. 

Imagine yourself unprotected, shadeless, and rapidly approaching the top score on the KISS machine that hasn't been broken in years. A crowd forms around you, which attracts a Jinxer. This jinx-cursing fuck owns the high score you're about to pulverize, and the thought of losing his number one spot profoundly disturbs him. Like a snake, the Jinxer slithers toward you. Now he's perfectly positioned himself in the crowd and locks eyes with you. 

Your gaze wavers from the game for a split-second, passing over his face. A quick moment is enough for his evil stink-eye jinx to penetrate your soul. Your chest starts to ache and you never get close to another high score for the rest of the night. The stress of failure causes you to develop a nervous habit of sucking your thumb in public, and everyone makes fun of you. Sucks to be you. No pun intended. Next time, wear the shades.

Making physical contact with a jinxer

Some jinxes are caused by physical contact from a group of Flipper Jinxers. They'll work together, taking turns bumping your elbows and legs. Try this one on for size: You're about to carve your initials on the scoreboard's top spot, but a Jinxer whacks your arm from behind, causing your bonus ball to plunge into the chute. You turn, but they’ve receded into a sea of people jamming on other machines. What are you going to do? 

Don't make a scene. That's part of the spell; they WANT you look like a lunatic. Shrug it off. You flick a few more quarters into the coin slot. Game on, and for a moment, you forget what happened until another bump, then another. A few more missed high scores, and you're so pissed off that you can't think straight. Now you're roaming the entire arcade like some deranged wild animal. The contact jinx is in full effect.

Be strategic, use the arcade’s natural geography

How do you avoid this? I suggest you pick a machine in the back of the arcade, preferably against a wall or in the corner. The more physical wall space between you and an elbow-bumping jinxer, the better. If the machine you wanna play with isn't against plaster, like it's in the middle of the floor, you'll need to create your own barricade. So, go out and pick up a handful of velvet stanchions. If you can't find any, pick up some heavy-duty rope instead and create a barrier around you and the machine. 

This extra buffer should keep all the jinxing assholes back. But if the rope wall fails, log onto Craigslist and hire two security guards for the night. There should be many to choose from for a fair price. Instruct the guerrillas to stand cross-armed with their backs up against yours all night or until you burn a new high score. All this might sound like a lot of time and scratch, but the cost is nothing compared to the quarters you'll save from a pack of Flipper Jinxers thumping you all night. 

Aural Jinxage

This one is seriously fucked. All it takes is a Jinxer to whisper some bullshit into your ear mid-game, "You'll never miss the drop targets, lover boy." The words repeat inside your now-EXTREMELY-distracted brain. You start to miss every fucking drop target in the box. No bonus for you! Later at home, you jerk awake from sleep screaming in the middle of the night. YOU'LL NEVER MISS THE DROP TARGETS! Over and over again. LOVER BOY. You wake up the neighbors, and now they're screaming at you to shut the fuck up!

The next thing you know, two cops are cuffing you and hauling your giant goofy ass downtown. You can't stop screaming the jinx out loud, and the state labels you a threat to yourself and society. Your jinxed ass gets hauled off to some creepy loony bin in the middle of the woods, where you'll never play Lord Of The Rings again. All they have out there is a poorly serviced Sega Independence Day. You scream. 

Toilet paper, ear muffs, headphones. Whatever.

To avoid the aural jinx is pretty simple: wear ear protection. You have a few options here, depending on your budget. The cheapest solution is to stuff your waxy ear canals with the arcade bathroom's toilet paper. But the ass-paper won't block out all the voices in the arcade, and it might fall out mid-game, leaving your ears vulnerable. If you have a few spare bucks, level up with a pair of earmuffs that cover your ears entirely. Better yet, get some noise-canceling headphones so you can listen to whatever the fuck you like and completely drown out the whole arcade. (Editor’s note: slight disagree on this, but acceptable as a temporary aural jinx preventative) Badda-bing, badda-boom. No more aural jinxes. 

Be careful. You’ve got one pinball life. Bust your jinxes stat. 

Don't thank me, just remember what I told you. Wear dark glasses to keep the stink-eye jinx away and create a physical barrier between you and the elbow-shoving jinxers. And don't forget to plug your ears! If you remember all that, you'll be able to dodge jinxes, throw up a high score, and keep your sanity. Then you can thank me. 

And to all you Jinxers out there, listen up. Fuck off right the fuck now. So what if your undefeated four-year high score on Pinball Wizard gets smashed? Remember that you, too, destroyed someone else's number one score once upon a time to get there. So, instead of being an arcade asshole, chill out and praise the next high-score steel-ball-smashing stud because each person's victorious moment should be shared throughout the entire arcade. That's when you’ve reached it: nirvana, the zen state, the everlasting circle of pinball.