Nudge Mix 11 : How I Learned to Stop Worrying About Steve Ritchie.
Can you believe it’s been nearly a year since our last Nudge mix? How did something so integral to our vibes become such an afterthought? Well, let it never be again. We thought we’d dust off the old playlist, just in time for summer league. Can we talk summer league people for a second?
Summer league players are the most hardcore motherfuckers to walk this earth. Instead of doing things like going to the beach or ruining the lives of their neighborhoods by lighting an ungodly amount of fireworks, these psychopaths are spending their summer in air-conditioned darkness, worrying about how to score more points on Theatre of Magic. They’re drinking too much and fumbling for more change.
They’re existing in existential dread that their quest for IFPA dominance has been foiled yet again by forces outside their control. They’re playing Demo man, they’re weeping, they’re gnashing their teeth. Meanwhile you’re just over here having a lemonade and chilling with your family at the lake for the summer? You know who’s having a better summer?
They are. No days off.
This Nudge mix will get you back on the board.
There’s no such thing as a guarantee in this old world, but this is as close to one as you’ll get from us. This playlist will result in better play. Nudge mixes have been banned in several leagues as a performance-enhancing drug. So what is it? How do you use it? Great questions, doofus. It’s a playlist that’s been scientifically formulated to pump you the fuck up so you hit those GCs, no problemo.
Are you one of those people with the amazing self-confidence to wear giant headphones while you play? Pump this directly into your dome. If you’re not, no problem. The first hour of this mix is designed for the pump up – think a pre-workout powder that your jacked friend gives you made out of horse liniment and straight-up cocaine. The second half? That’s focus and the drive home. We figured it all out for you except for the new Bond code. For that you’re on your own.
When you need to match Steve Ritchie’s dick head Black Knight energy:
Microphone Fiend by Rage Against the Machine
Steve Ritchie is one sadistic SOB. Not only did he create the unholy trinity that is the Black Knight trilogy, but he also provided the voice-overs that come at the end of every ball drain. Like, that’s next-level mind fuckery. It’s why we “love” him. I use the quotes only because more than any other game designer, Steve Ritchie seems to actively root for our downfalls the hardest.
So what can you match that energy with? SPIT. Sure, everyone loves Rage – but not everyone dips into their (probably) worst album: the covers! There’s nothing about this that should work. NY rap via LA rock. And yet Eric B & Rakim lyrics via Zach De La Rocha and Tom Morello DOES work. It is, in fact, the fuckin’ shit.
When you’re nailing ramp combos on Star Trek:
Emotions by Mariah Carey
Star Trek’s plastic ramps are one of the great engineering feats of the 21st century. It feels like you’re sliding down freshly windexed windows. The fact that the return feeds are long enough to give you a second to think about a shot, but not so long as to eff up a rhythm shot is, like I said, genius.
In the seventh grade, my house was scandalized when my mom found pictures of Mariah Carey on the family computer. Since then, something about Mariah Carey has felt kinda edgy to me. This song is as close to windexed pop music as you can get. It’s totally goofball 90s pop dance, but hell, it’s hittin’, bro. Also, I don’t know if anyone has written about this – but Mariah Carey has some frickin’ pipes!
When you need to have a good cry about Josh Sharpe’s IFPA rule changes
The One and Only by Chesney Hawkes
A lot has been written the last couple weeks about the new IFPA rule changes. I’m not gonna get too nerdy with it (we have a Rick B article coming for that), but basically a lot of players are having their IFPA rankings drop pretty significantly. The reasons? New weighted ranking systems that I’m sure are very smart and will probably ultimately lead to people being ranked “correctly”. But also? PEOPLE ARE PISSED. Well you know that they can’t take? YOUR INDIVIDUALITY.
That’s exactly what’s so charming about this frickin’ banger by Chesny Hawkes from the 1991 movie, Buddy’s Song. In England, this is a big one hit one-wonder. What I like about it? It’s pure, unbridled earnestness. It’s sweet that way. Worried about your plummeting IFPA ranking? Crank this shit to eleven before you’re next tournament. I AM THE ONE AND ONLY, THERE’S NOBODY I’D RATHER BE. Tears streaming down your face, placing top five, everyone lifting you up on their shoulders. You did it, you beautiful freak. YOU DID IT.
The rest – stone cold summer hits
We’re leading this off with an audible: the new single from Ratboys. Supreme melancholy, walk your dog at 7 pm under threat of rain vibes. Sure it’s gonna be too frou frou for like 60% of you, but you know what? The people that vibe will vibe. Oh, and if you don’t like it, you still have The Promise Ring, Solange, Tom Petty – basically if it gave us a good feeling, it went in. Like we said, we can’t get you the GC with just a playlist, but let this thing simmer for a second. You’re gonna be ripping spinners to Bad Nerves – we guarantee it.
