Old Games, New Names: We revisit some classics and call ‘em what they should’ve been called in the first place

By Erin S.

Naming the game: sometimes the art on a game tells a different story. And in some cases, they tell a more compelling story than what the marketing team decided to call the game. Hey, it’s OK! Some games just didn’t get it right the first time. You can’t always predict what the people will want. Sure, you can call your toy on a string whatever you want, but people aren’t gonna call it anything but a yo-yo in the real world. I know Doc doesn’t like it when World Cup Soccer is called Doggie Soccer, but regardless of what it says on the backglass, THAT’S THE NAME OF THE GAME. Sorry. Not sorry. (editor’s note: I don’t necessarily hate that name. I sort of nothing it.) The below five games need to go downtown to the courthouse, legally change their given names, and maybe pick up a new backglass on the way home.

Nine Ball → Space Pool Wizard

I really have no idea what they were going for with the art on this one. Maybe they had done one too many pool games already and they needed fresh ideas? Hear me out: “How about a bitching Wizard from spaaaaaaaaaaaaaace?!” (This is right around the time of Alien Poker too, btw.) This art seems more like it should be airbrushed on the side of a van than on a pinball machine. I do in fact have this playfield hanging in my living room for three reasons: #1, I love the art, #2, I want to tell everyone that inquires about it to call the game Space Pool Wizard, and #3: I really want one so I’m just going to try and acquire it piece by piece. Ya know, Frankenstein-style.

The Rolling Stones → Mick on a Stick

I have no complaints about Drac on Monster bash (maybe cuz he’s a sculpt?) but the first time I played Stern’s The Rolling Stones I couldn’t help but laugh at Mick on a Stick. It's like he’s made from a shrinky-dink! Remember when this game came out and these snapped off in the first like, three shots? Anywho, there are two Rolling Stones games in existence, so let’s change the name of this one. Bonus points to Stern for recapturing that feeling in 2023 with Bond on a Wand! Hey, at least Bond has one thing going for it.

The Champion Pub → Vaguely Racist Pub

I love this game so much that I bought one. Except apparently, I played it in places I couldn’t hear the callouts - because whoaaaaa boy, are they a time capsule of stuff that was OK 30 years ago, and WTF now. The Asian guy is Bim Bam Boom? And the guy from San Francisco sounds like Big Gay Al from South Park? And don't forget multiple drunk Irish guys picking fights. Is vooooyces vaguely racist? I hope not, because now I always pronounce versus that way. Sorry. The Vaguely Racist Pub is much more fitting in 2023. (Editor’s note: Why is Mitch Mcconnell in the front row waving bands to make ‘em dance?)

Time Fantasy → Snail Time

I actually keep thinking this IS the name of the game every time I try to Google rulesets and get confused when there’s no results. I mean, look deeply into the snail on the backglass’ eyes, man. Also, there are arms and legs on this snail, which is an unusual attribute for snails even by 1983 standards. Someone argued with me that I couldn’t use the alternate name because it was a mode in the game, but this game was before modes: they must have been smoking whatever the snail is having if they played some modes. (Note: Nudge editors put this line in, because we will smoke just about anything. The author? Not so much.)

World Cup Soccer → Doggie Soccer

Literally everyone calls World Cup Soccer this already! And there are like 6 bazillion different soccer games (including the one that is really football, because last time I checked there aren’t yards in soccer). This renaming would make knowing which one you were assigned in a tournament waaaaaaaay easier. (I’m talking to you, Western Mass Pinball Club!) Also it sounds even cooler if you are from New England and someone asks what you are playing: “Daaawg-ie sockah kid! It's wicked pissah.” (Editor’s note: the Midwestern mind cannot comprehend this sentence)

Look, you don’t call a band-aid a bandage, regardless of what the lawyers at Johnson & Johnson may say. Yeah, this isn’t exactly a brand thing, but you know what I mean. (Did you know Multi-ball was trademarked by Williams in 1981?) Some games just aren’t called by their actual names, or they at least shouldn’t be. Mix in some lingo. Maybe confuse your playing partners. Have some fun playing Space Pool Wizard! Bitching wizards from space are ABSOLUTELY superior than a billiards format. Queue up that custom backglass, baby.